... Installment 1.
Over two years ago I posted the first installment of what was supposed to be an ongoing series dealing with what I would consider to be... ummmm.. proper fast food patron etiquette.... The Rules Of Fast Food. I always meant to keep it going... I just never got around to getting off of my fat ass to write more... Well, that's about to change... In the meantime... In case you missed it the first time... Here Ya Go:
1.The speaker is motion or heat activated. Not voice activated. You do not need to say “hello?” You’re only going to look like a douche bag to the people inside the restaurant.
We fucking hear you…. Don’t worry.
Going “ um, HELL-LOOO???” makes employees want to kick you in the testicles. If we don’t respond immediately, we are probably busy. But, make no mistake, we are aware of your presence. And we aim to serve you as soon as humanly possible. Honest.
Also… when you pull up to the speaker, we are TRAINED to respond IMMIDIATELY.” Welcome to _____ How can I help you?”
If you aren’t sure what you want, decide quickly, or POLITELY ASK for a moment to decide. If cars are behind you…HURRY THE FUCK UP.(more on that in a minute) Do NOT under any circumstances yell “CAN YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE???!!!!" We’re just doing our job…
We’re very sorry to inconvenience you, but come on, pal, let’s go. When we say, “Sure, just let me know when you’re ready!” this means we are going to try to multitask and maybe help our fellow employees.
This does NOT mean we play the “hello” game again. We’re still here. And we CAN still hear you. This also means that we could be away from the register while we wait for your indecisive ass, so don’t just start blurting out shit…. Tell Us That You Are Ready… ( politely). When we say “go ahead” or “OK” that is your cue. You are not at the Olive Garden. You do not have a table and a menu. We did not ask you if we could start you out with some drinks and the people behind you do not want to give you a minute to decide. FAST food….get it?
2.The speaker in a drive thru is an INTERCOM system. I realize that the intercom is a relatively new invention.
If you are unaware of how this system works, I will be delighted to explain:
Inside that little box is a microphone. You speak calmly and politely into this microphone, and the people inside wearing “headsets” can hear you quite clearly. The headsets ALSO have microphones attached to them. And we, in turn have the ability to communicate with you the very same way. It is not a hole or a tube into the building. Really. You don’t have to yell. Inside voices, please.
And while I’m at the whole volume thing… Diesel engines: when you pull up to the speaker, SHUT THEM THE FUCK OFF. You want to know what it’s like? You’re going to need a partner for this exercise. Put your television on a channel where it’s nothing but static. Good. Now turn the volume all the way up. Excellent. Put your ear against the speaker…..now have your partner go ahead and whisper a bunch of random food items to you. From across the room. Write them on a piece of paper. Difficult? Uncomfortable? Now you know. Turn off the truck, asshole.
3.(part one)…Drive thru is the equivalent of the “express lane” @ the supermarket or department store. Ever go into WAL-MART to get a package of toilet paper and some gum? You’re in a real hurry. The game is on in 10 minutes and you just need Toilet Paper and some Bubblelicious. You have to stop and get gas on your way home. Every line is backed up so you say to yourself “ it’ll probably be much faster to use the express lane”.
There is some 53 year old bingo all star with 3 carts full of shit in front of you, and she pays for everything 12 ITEMS AT A TIME???….”Oh, wait I have a coupon for that”
Sound familiar?
Does that piss you off?
Would you ever dream of becoming upset with the cashier or, better yet, the manager at WAL-MART because of this inconsiderate Yenta?
Yes?
In this age of the “customer is always right” corporate mindset, it is extremely unlikely that this cashier, who probably makes $7-8 an hour is going to jeopardize her/his employment by enforcing the 12 item rule. Not likely that she’s jeopardizing her job, you say?
NEWS FLASH: These places are owned by giant corporations.
Regardless of what their advertising may tell you, they only care about one thing: MAKING. MONEY. They are FIRM believers that if a customer has a bad experience, they will tell 15 people and that person will tell 15 MORE people and so on. This affects the bottom line, therefore it is unacceptable.
Lets imagine the cashier says “ excuse me ma’am, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to get in another line. This line is for customers who are purchasing 12 items or less. I apologize for any inconvenience”. “OH. MY. GOD.” This selfish, old, arrogant, fucking cunt thinks to herself. “a cashier just told me that I can’t do something. HOW. DARE. HE/SHE.”
She then proceeds to raise Holy Hell.
She gets the manager and demands at the top of her lungs that she be compensated (in merchandise, or gift certificates or SOMETHING) because this poor cashier was “rude” to her. She writes down the cashier’s name and the managers name. The manager, who just wants to give this lady whatever the hell she wants just so she’ll leave the building with a smile on her face,( because when it’s time for the manager’s review, they take into account how many customer complaints they received in the designated period since that managers last review) offers her the god damn keys to the fucking store.
She aims her nose back in the air, and walks out the door.
She goes home , feeds her 72 cats and picks up her telephone.
She dials the 800 number for the corporate office and tells them how horribly mistreated she was. How she got into the line with 13 items and the cashier told her to put an item away or “get in another fucking line”… she tells them there was no one behind her, so she can’t understand why they couldn’t “bend” the rule this one time. She was scared for her safety because the cashier was using such foul language, so she attempted to politely get the attention of the manager on duty. She tells them that the manager “ignored” her. She ran home crying and she will NEVER step foot in another WAL-MART again.
Of course, the customer service agent with whom she spoke has no idea that this bitch is full of shit. When calls such as this one are received, a protocol is to be followed. The CSA does his/her job. The area supervisor is alerted to the “customer relations issue” at this particular store and the cashier and manager are disciplined. Maybe even fired, because managers can easily be replaced by cashiers with initiative and no criminal record, and a cashier can be replaced by any 16 year old that can pass a drug test. Starting to get it, yet?
3.(part 2) Let me start by saying, it is our goal to make every customer happy. We want you to feel as though you are the most important person on Earth. The only person on Earth. We REALLY do. But don’t fucking push it. The point is: Our operation is specifically designed to be FAST.
Drive Thru is our express lane.
I would say that an example of an acceptable order in DT would be 2 “value meals” or "Combos".
That’s it.
6 Items. Not 5 cheeseburgers, 2 chicken sandwiches, a chicken salad , a giant western super-burger, 4 large fries, a kids meal with chicken nuggets for a boy with a chocolate shake, a hamburger kids meal with a diet cola for a girl, 2 fudge sundaes and 6 apple pies. Oh, and a bottled water and a medium cola.
If you have your family with you, that’s great! If it’s lunch time and you’re getting lunch for everyone at the office, super. COME INSIDE. The person in the car behind you just wants a double cheeseburger and a small fry.
They’re in a hurry.
Have some Common Fucking Courtesy.
Guess who they’re going to get pissed off at if we take too long. Not you…. Us. “ I only ordered 2 things” they’ll think, “what is taking so long?”
It’s time for someone to say it. Most of the time, the reason the service at a fast food restaurant is slow : The Customers.
When you order that much stuff in DT, it drastically reduces our ability to serve each of our valued customers in the 2 minutes or so we aim to serve them in. And while you are miles away, stuffing your fat face, we are getting in trouble. The guy behind you is treating us like we are incapable of doing our jobs and we are all minimum wage retards because the 3 cars ahead of him all ordered $38 worth of food apiece in DT. We can only go so fast. We want to make your day, so please, don’t make ours miserable.
4. Once it’s made, or we hand it to you… YOU FUCKING OWN IT!!!!!!
If you do not want it, throw it away yourself. This includes, but is not limited to: Cup Carriers/ Drink Trays. Receipts, etc.
Once again, I say, YOU ARE NOT the only customer we have. The purpose to the drink tray is not entirely for your convenience. If you order more than one drink, we are trained to put your drinks in a carrier. Can you guess why?
If you answered SPEED, dingdingding!!! You win!
Instead of us wasting time handing each drink out one by one, they are placed in a carrier and handed out all at once. If you order only two drinks, sometimes we hand them out individually, but we’re not supposed to. When we hand out the tray, take it. Do not, under any circumstances, try to give it back. We don’t want it. If YOU don’t want it, there are trash receptacles located around the parking lot. USE THEM. You take the time to hand this shit back to us, yet you don’t take the time to examine the contents of your fucking bag to make sure everything that’s supposed to be there is, in fact, there.
Then you call us 45 minutes later to complain that you’re missing shit. Get your priorities straight.
You want all the food you paid for, or do you want to save the planet one cup carrier at a time?
Over two years ago I posted the first installment of what was supposed to be an ongoing series dealing with what I would consider to be... ummmm.. proper fast food patron etiquette.... The Rules Of Fast Food. I always meant to keep it going... I just never got around to getting off of my fat ass to write more... Well, that's about to change... In the meantime... In case you missed it the first time... Here Ya Go:
1.The speaker is motion or heat activated. Not voice activated. You do not need to say “hello?” You’re only going to look like a douche bag to the people inside the restaurant.
We fucking hear you…. Don’t worry.
Going “ um, HELL-LOOO???” makes employees want to kick you in the testicles. If we don’t respond immediately, we are probably busy. But, make no mistake, we are aware of your presence. And we aim to serve you as soon as humanly possible. Honest.
Also… when you pull up to the speaker, we are TRAINED to respond IMMIDIATELY.” Welcome to _____ How can I help you?”
If you aren’t sure what you want, decide quickly, or POLITELY ASK for a moment to decide. If cars are behind you…HURRY THE FUCK UP.(more on that in a minute) Do NOT under any circumstances yell “CAN YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE???!!!!" We’re just doing our job…
We’re very sorry to inconvenience you, but come on, pal, let’s go. When we say, “Sure, just let me know when you’re ready!” this means we are going to try to multitask and maybe help our fellow employees.
This does NOT mean we play the “hello” game again. We’re still here. And we CAN still hear you. This also means that we could be away from the register while we wait for your indecisive ass, so don’t just start blurting out shit…. Tell Us That You Are Ready… ( politely). When we say “go ahead” or “OK” that is your cue. You are not at the Olive Garden. You do not have a table and a menu. We did not ask you if we could start you out with some drinks and the people behind you do not want to give you a minute to decide. FAST food….get it?
2.The speaker in a drive thru is an INTERCOM system. I realize that the intercom is a relatively new invention.
If you are unaware of how this system works, I will be delighted to explain:
Inside that little box is a microphone. You speak calmly and politely into this microphone, and the people inside wearing “headsets” can hear you quite clearly. The headsets ALSO have microphones attached to them. And we, in turn have the ability to communicate with you the very same way. It is not a hole or a tube into the building. Really. You don’t have to yell. Inside voices, please.
And while I’m at the whole volume thing… Diesel engines: when you pull up to the speaker, SHUT THEM THE FUCK OFF. You want to know what it’s like? You’re going to need a partner for this exercise. Put your television on a channel where it’s nothing but static. Good. Now turn the volume all the way up. Excellent. Put your ear against the speaker…..now have your partner go ahead and whisper a bunch of random food items to you. From across the room. Write them on a piece of paper. Difficult? Uncomfortable? Now you know. Turn off the truck, asshole.
3.(part one)…Drive thru is the equivalent of the “express lane” @ the supermarket or department store. Ever go into WAL-MART to get a package of toilet paper and some gum? You’re in a real hurry. The game is on in 10 minutes and you just need Toilet Paper and some Bubblelicious. You have to stop and get gas on your way home. Every line is backed up so you say to yourself “ it’ll probably be much faster to use the express lane”.
There is some 53 year old bingo all star with 3 carts full of shit in front of you, and she pays for everything 12 ITEMS AT A TIME???….”Oh, wait I have a coupon for that”
Sound familiar?
Does that piss you off?
Would you ever dream of becoming upset with the cashier or, better yet, the manager at WAL-MART because of this inconsiderate Yenta?
Yes?
In this age of the “customer is always right” corporate mindset, it is extremely unlikely that this cashier, who probably makes $7-8 an hour is going to jeopardize her/his employment by enforcing the 12 item rule. Not likely that she’s jeopardizing her job, you say?
NEWS FLASH: These places are owned by giant corporations.
Regardless of what their advertising may tell you, they only care about one thing: MAKING. MONEY. They are FIRM believers that if a customer has a bad experience, they will tell 15 people and that person will tell 15 MORE people and so on. This affects the bottom line, therefore it is unacceptable.
Lets imagine the cashier says “ excuse me ma’am, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to get in another line. This line is for customers who are purchasing 12 items or less. I apologize for any inconvenience”. “OH. MY. GOD.” This selfish, old, arrogant, fucking cunt thinks to herself. “a cashier just told me that I can’t do something. HOW. DARE. HE/SHE.”
She then proceeds to raise Holy Hell.
She gets the manager and demands at the top of her lungs that she be compensated (in merchandise, or gift certificates or SOMETHING) because this poor cashier was “rude” to her. She writes down the cashier’s name and the managers name. The manager, who just wants to give this lady whatever the hell she wants just so she’ll leave the building with a smile on her face,( because when it’s time for the manager’s review, they take into account how many customer complaints they received in the designated period since that managers last review) offers her the god damn keys to the fucking store.
She aims her nose back in the air, and walks out the door.
She goes home , feeds her 72 cats and picks up her telephone.
She dials the 800 number for the corporate office and tells them how horribly mistreated she was. How she got into the line with 13 items and the cashier told her to put an item away or “get in another fucking line”… she tells them there was no one behind her, so she can’t understand why they couldn’t “bend” the rule this one time. She was scared for her safety because the cashier was using such foul language, so she attempted to politely get the attention of the manager on duty. She tells them that the manager “ignored” her. She ran home crying and she will NEVER step foot in another WAL-MART again.
Of course, the customer service agent with whom she spoke has no idea that this bitch is full of shit. When calls such as this one are received, a protocol is to be followed. The CSA does his/her job. The area supervisor is alerted to the “customer relations issue” at this particular store and the cashier and manager are disciplined. Maybe even fired, because managers can easily be replaced by cashiers with initiative and no criminal record, and a cashier can be replaced by any 16 year old that can pass a drug test. Starting to get it, yet?
3.(part 2) Let me start by saying, it is our goal to make every customer happy. We want you to feel as though you are the most important person on Earth. The only person on Earth. We REALLY do. But don’t fucking push it. The point is: Our operation is specifically designed to be FAST.
Drive Thru is our express lane.
I would say that an example of an acceptable order in DT would be 2 “value meals” or "Combos".
That’s it.
6 Items. Not 5 cheeseburgers, 2 chicken sandwiches, a chicken salad , a giant western super-burger, 4 large fries, a kids meal with chicken nuggets for a boy with a chocolate shake, a hamburger kids meal with a diet cola for a girl, 2 fudge sundaes and 6 apple pies. Oh, and a bottled water and a medium cola.
If you have your family with you, that’s great! If it’s lunch time and you’re getting lunch for everyone at the office, super. COME INSIDE. The person in the car behind you just wants a double cheeseburger and a small fry.
They’re in a hurry.
Have some Common Fucking Courtesy.
Guess who they’re going to get pissed off at if we take too long. Not you…. Us. “ I only ordered 2 things” they’ll think, “what is taking so long?”
It’s time for someone to say it. Most of the time, the reason the service at a fast food restaurant is slow : The Customers.
When you order that much stuff in DT, it drastically reduces our ability to serve each of our valued customers in the 2 minutes or so we aim to serve them in. And while you are miles away, stuffing your fat face, we are getting in trouble. The guy behind you is treating us like we are incapable of doing our jobs and we are all minimum wage retards because the 3 cars ahead of him all ordered $38 worth of food apiece in DT. We can only go so fast. We want to make your day, so please, don’t make ours miserable.
4. Once it’s made, or we hand it to you… YOU FUCKING OWN IT!!!!!!
If you do not want it, throw it away yourself. This includes, but is not limited to: Cup Carriers/ Drink Trays. Receipts, etc.
Once again, I say, YOU ARE NOT the only customer we have. The purpose to the drink tray is not entirely for your convenience. If you order more than one drink, we are trained to put your drinks in a carrier. Can you guess why?
If you answered SPEED, dingdingding!!! You win!
Instead of us wasting time handing each drink out one by one, they are placed in a carrier and handed out all at once. If you order only two drinks, sometimes we hand them out individually, but we’re not supposed to. When we hand out the tray, take it. Do not, under any circumstances, try to give it back. We don’t want it. If YOU don’t want it, there are trash receptacles located around the parking lot. USE THEM. You take the time to hand this shit back to us, yet you don’t take the time to examine the contents of your fucking bag to make sure everything that’s supposed to be there is, in fact, there.
Then you call us 45 minutes later to complain that you’re missing shit. Get your priorities straight.
You want all the food you paid for, or do you want to save the planet one cup carrier at a time?
1 comment:
Regardless of the bullshit, the blog is still good, especially these rules of fast food. This is obviously directed towards you Furbush.
Post a Comment