Not my proudest moment, but worth the read regardless... This is from well over a year ago. All is well these days. It's amazing how much I can go off with a hair across my ass...... I just needed to vent. Fucking GOLD.
Am I that much of a fucking asshole?
How can two people be thick as thieves one minute, then complete fucking strangers the next? We all have our moments, to be certain... But, what the hell? Being sober the last few weeks has put me on extreme edge. I'm borderline fucking psychotic half of the time. I thought I'd be able to deal with this better than I ultimately have... To say it's been a challenge would be a massive understatement. But I'm doing it for me. I don't need a support group. All I need is a little understanding from the people closest to me. When someone's tells you he's going to quit drinking, you do what any best friend would do. As a show of solidarity, you too, quit drinking. Even if they never asked you to... You just DO. You have to... You know that their being sober won't last very long hanging out with your drunk ass...So you take one for the team. When they starts drinking again, you too, may then abandon your strike against booze.
Thick And Thin.... Brothers....No Matter What... It's what we do.
Almost four weeks ago, I started having some physical "complications"... So I decided that, until I see a doctor, I would stop drinking as a precautionary measure. Yeah, it sucks.. But, hey... Gotta do it... I thought. I hadn't had a physical examination (by a doctor...haha) in over a decade. It was time. A few days after that, Big Cat decided that he too, would quit drinking permanently due to completely unrelated circumstances. Cool. It wasn't absolutely necessary for him to be sober too... But, fuck it.. This should make it easier...
Somewhere along the line, I kinda started enjoying not being hungover every morning. Sure, everyday stress started to get under my skin more... I became perpetually irritated by just about fucking everything... But I physically felt better... Better enough to sorta put off calling the doctor to make an appointment another couple of weeks... Not the brightest idea, but I eventually called them up and got in there. Still gotta run some tests... but I think I'll be OK. But fuck drinking for a while. I had a good run. I beat the living piss out of my body for the last 15 years. It needs a break. Will it last? Who knows... But for now, I'm all set. It's very, very, very, very, very fucking difficult.. But, I believe, in the long run... It's for the best.
Now, when Big Cat kinda, sorta, jumped off the 'ol wagon, I was initially disappointed, but the one thing I would NEVER do is judge the fucking guy... Been there, done that.. A thousand fucking times. He was hanging out with other friends, chilling with Stephy Mac. Cool. This shit's been hard... The last thing I wanted do is project my fucked up, irritable, shit show on him. Who the fuck am I to impose my new lifestyle on a motherfucker... He's doing his thing. I'm doing mine. Same shit, different dynamic. He's my best fucking friend.. If I were to sit here and type out all the horrific/hilarious shit we've been through together in the last couple of years, I would be typing until next fucking Thursday... So I'm not gonna. Instead, I will tell y'all that we're pretty much fucking blood. We're that tight. Nobody on this Earth knows Big Dave better than Jayson Fucking Jordan. No one . He understands where I'm at. He's been there. Recently. No Big Deal. Or so I thought....
Next thing I know... He's being all fucking weird. He knows that I'm not drinking... Yet, he continues to invite me to his friend's house a goddamn hour away to watch them get fucking shit faced.... But I can't be around that shit right now. Don't get me wrong... Those guys are all cool... Emeney is a Bad Mother Fucker and a super talented guy that I get along with really well... But, I'm doing really fucking good. And I know how that shit ends... I go down there, end up getting fucking TANKED...With no way home, and I gotta be back in Alton at ten the next fucking morning.. I'm all set with that shit right now... Nothing personal.. I just can't handle it. Sorry, man.. maybe next time...
So now, because he's pretty much fucking living there at this point, I hardly see the guy. Again.. disappointing... but nothing I can't deal with.. I'm dealing with my own shit, anyway. I'm a ridiculous fucking mess... I'm tired all the time.. I fucking snap at the drop of a hat... I drink three pots of coffee a day. I chain smoke Marlboro Special Blends like I'm looking for a Golden Fucking Ticket in the filters... A mess. And now...What's really helping... I don't ever see my best friend anymore. And if I do, he's with Steph, and I feel like a third wheel asshole .. What the fuck, guy? Why are you so angry? Dude.. I'm NOT angry...I'm just going fucking NUTS...You need a fucking DRINK ... You think so, Captain? OK.. So.. Peace out, man. We're going back up to Penacook...Cool.. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to stop in long enough to fucking remind me how much of a mess I am and why. Good to know my best friend is being super fucking supportive in my time of need. Not for nothing... But how the fuck did I earn the back seat on this bus? By having his fucking back through every single bit of adversity he's gone through in the last two plus years? Even if it meant letting my own shit fall apart? This is my reward for being a good fucking friend? Fuck you, Wife and kids... Jayson's having a crisis that I must tend to.... I don't expect shit. He doesn't owe me anything. It's not like that... But the last thing I ever expected is that I would become the nerd in gym class... Then, before I know it, I can't even schedule a fucking meeting with the guy.... What the fuck is going on? Have I lost my Project MayHAM brother to booze and a fucking skirt? No fucking way, I thought. This too, shall pass... But no... It doesn't. I can see it in his eyes. I can hear it in his voice. He's giving off the distinct vibe that he thinks I'm making this whole thing into a me or her fucking deal.... Like I'm jealous or some shit....Maybe, to a certain extent I was... But certainly not to the extent he would have been had it been him in my situation. Just so we're fucking straight here, I'd like to clarify that, up until this point, if this whole thing was reversed, Big Cat would have been so far up my ass about Ahhh.. Fuck me, right?.... Don't worry about me.. Had he EVER pulled into McDonald's and seen Jill or whoever wearing my PM cut, he would have flipped the fuck OUT. Guaranteed. If I ever blew him the fuck off to bring Thaisae well... fucking anywhere... He would have immediately deleted my number from his phone....
What the fuck? Was I supposed to jump for fucking joy when I suddenly became PLAN FUCKING C? Especially in my current fucking condition?
But I let it go.
That is, until last week. We made plans to actually hang out... Then they were casually dismissed because (once again) something else was more fucking appealing.... So when Saturday rolls around, and my phone blows up with Big Cat talkin' about how he was on his way down.. And I was having a SHIT day to begin with.... I wasn't in the warmest of moods on the phone. I was a dick. Plain and simple. But I was still looking forward to seeing the Jamoke... But what does the fucking guy expect? I see what's going on... Emeney has his kids... The Girlfriend is working... I guess I could check in with Dave. Thanks, Asshole. Truly. Thank you. Anyway... I make a comment about his girlfriend being late for work (for me...) and he starts giving me shit.... I give it right back. Yadda yadda yadda... Whatever. Ten minutes later, I see him pull in, so I finish up what I'm doing and head for the door to smoke a butt and hang out with him for a minute. By the time I get to the door, he's screeching down the road. Already gone. I turn around and go back inside, confused. I ask his girlfriend where he went, and she mumbled something about him sending her a text about me being an "asshole"... Fine. We've been here before. He goes to the Den to cool off... I'm out in an hour... We can have it out and that's the end of it. Fifteen minutes later, I go outside and walk towards my car. It's raining, and in the mist, I see something on the trunk of my car.
Are You Fucking Kidding Me?
The colors...His Project MayHAM hat. His cut. Left on my car in the rain.
That's it, huh? No mas?
Thick And Thin.... Brothers....No Matter What...? Bullshit.
Fine. It's DONE.
I realize I sound like an angry ex- wife or some shit... And I am comfortable with that. I am enlightened. I'm hurt. I'm not a guy that's ever had friends. Real friends. And this cuts deep... It is what it is.... True colors shine through, motherfucker... Whether or not that symbolic gesture truly meant the end of our friendship and the conclusion of your affiliation with Project MayHAM is irrelevant....Instead of having my back like I had yours a million times, you kicked me while I was down, you selfish, disloyal, self-important, inconsiderate, fucking asshole... .
Yup... exactly. Don't read into that too much. I'm sensitive... Like a chick. Those days are far behind us...
Major announcement tomorrow. Stay tuned
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