Day...Ummmm...6?...5?..Yeah..5...

...The first few days since the D word was first used... It was pretty goddamned easy to keep my emotions in check. Hanging out with Jay... talking to Ty. Drinking pretty heavy. Staying away from the house. Repeating the below mentioned "Mantra"... Even listening to Chinese Democracy seemed more empowering than depressing. This was never about whether or not I cared, so much as about reclaiming my independence. Not freedom from responsibility.. I can handle that.I just can't handle the negativity.. The penance I always seem to pay for someone else's sins. Like somehow it's all MY fault... When it's clearly not. Am I an angel? Absolutely not... Have I made mistakes? More than anyone could possibly imagine. But do I have to pay for those mistakes forever? Should I have to pay for the mistakes someone else made years before I met them?... Should anyone? Anyway.. It started out well... The last two days have been .. ummmm.. complicated. I'll get into specifics tomorrow.. but for today, let me just give you a brief overview of how this all came to pass....



At a certain point, the emotional attachment to someone just completely severs... And you're left observing the situation from a neutral standpoint. You begin to realize that if this person wasn't in your life for the last twelve and a half years, you would probably fucking loathe them...You literally have NOTHING in common. But the first couple of times you realized that this wasn't working, you kinda "pussed out" and tried again... This is the person you've been with since you were fucking nineteen.... It's all you've ever known... Things get serious, and the separation anxiety starts... Then you get that lump in your stomach and you can't go through with it. Each time something else starts the doubt. The immature insecurity. Will she sleep with someone else? Will she kill herself? Can I survive without her? So you back down...Make up sex... teary eyes.. We'll NEVER let this happen to us again....She wins. Things would go well for a little while, and then it would start all over again. Each time, the interval in between "episodes" gets shorter, and shorter.... But you keep trying. You have two beautiful little girls... And you don't want them to go through the same shit you did when you were a kid.
But how long before they start to see through the cracks in the foundation? How long will it be before staying together is doing more emotional damage than splitting up would do? Christ.. They're turning into her... Lazy, Bitchy and dripping with a sense of entitlement. I can't have that.

Some men have a need to be "domesticated"... They crave a Mother Figure that will tell them what they can or cannot do.. Cook their meals.. Do their laundry. A "Warden" that will keep them comfortable and sheltered from the outside world... Keep them safe and laid. She will ground them if she feels it's necessary... and scold them for being late for dinner. You know.. treat them like a fucking child... My wife would make those men very happy... But not me... Not anymore. The negatives far outweigh the positives. I am a grown up with responsibilities and perspective. She is an enormously crazy, depressed, and psychotic stay-at-home nothing that acts like a perpetually menstruating fucking teenager. All. The. Time. At some point recently, I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't make any more sense to get pissed off or upset that she's mad at me than it would to get pissed off or frustrated that the sun was going to come up. It doesn't matter what I do... It's going to happen either way. So why let it bother me?


I guess the point is.. she's sucking the fucking life out of me. I don't need the bullshit. I would rather jerk off and live by myself. I'll always have a certain connection with her.. Because of the time we've spent together, and the kids... But I can no longer let her stifle my evolution as a person. There are too many things I'd rather do.... Status update and whatnot tomorrow, kids....