Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Day 25....(AKA The Long Motherfucking Month Of December)
... Holy Hell
Life has been a whirlwind of dogshit the last couple of weeks. So.... I thought step four was a repeat of steps one through three. I was so incredibly wrong. It started out that way, but quickly morphed into the Carol Fucking Brady Step.....
Out of nowhere, she flipped a switch on the crazy, and turned into the girl I moved in with. She pulled out all the stops. Never a dirty dish or article of clothing... Never so much as a cross look or discouraging word... Fucking me (at least) twice a day.... Cooking up a storm....
My house has never been cleaner, and yet I still cannot shake this overwhelming sense that it's all a ruse. A last ditch effort to stay. And while she's been remarkably convincing, and I've been taking FULL advantage of the situation... I am not convinced in the slightest that she's legit. I've administered tests to solidify my theory periodically. I've said/done some shit so ridiculously heinous, that afterward, no matter how much you love someone or want to be with them, you would want to stab them in the face . And she never fucking blinked...
Yet still, I find my resolve wavering.
I think she's, quite literally, sucking the anger out of me. I know what I have to do... I've seen this movie before.. I know how it ends...but I'm shaky on pulling the trigger. At least when I'm sober. Drinking is a different story entirely.
I've been hitting it pretty hard. Often. The stress of the situation(s) has definitely taken it's toll. I've found that self destruction is the best way for me to deal with everything going on.... And I've taken my own self destruction to a whole new level....
This last Saturday, Big Cat and myself went out with Ty for a quasi-birthday celebration in Laconia. We started at Cactus Jack's where we ran into a couple of people Mr. Cat went to high school with. We invited them over to the Baja, where Ty's friends were throwing her a birthday shin-dig, and that's when shit got a little nutty...
First of all, we were hammered when we got there. We were all loaded up with Red Stag and Jager before we walked through the door, so the copious amounts of Jack and Coke piled on top of that were like putting out a house fire with a tank full of propane. Jay was in the zone, but I was the epitome of shitbaggery... The drunkest, sketchiest bastard on Earth. I was theivin' money from drunk girls... Then making them pay for twenty dollar Scorpion Bowls... Disappearing, reappearing.... Dancing for eight seconds, then retreating back to the "V.I.P." area to suck down any unattended drinks on the tables....So last call comes around and we get invited to the condos next door for some after hours shenanigans...
These people made me look sober....This one kid was gonna jump off the third story balcony... this other kid was half passed out with what appeared to be his fucking girlfriend in the the entrance hallway....
Luckily for me, They were drunk enough not to notice yours truly swiping the fifth of Jack out of the living room...
The whole night was a mess... I don't remember how we got home.
When I did finally get home around 4am... I decided to stick it to Kim by telling her how I used to fuck her best friend (The previously mentioned Jaime) when she was gone.... Well suffice to say, that opened a completely new can of worms that my drunken ass was not even close to prepared to deal with. Now there are questions as to whether or not her oldest daughter is maybe mine....
The plot thickens when I be hittin the lyric lickin'... KRS 1
Life has been a whirlwind of dogshit the last couple of weeks. So.... I thought step four was a repeat of steps one through three. I was so incredibly wrong. It started out that way, but quickly morphed into the Carol Fucking Brady Step.....
Out of nowhere, she flipped a switch on the crazy, and turned into the girl I moved in with. She pulled out all the stops. Never a dirty dish or article of clothing... Never so much as a cross look or discouraging word... Fucking me (at least) twice a day.... Cooking up a storm....
My house has never been cleaner, and yet I still cannot shake this overwhelming sense that it's all a ruse. A last ditch effort to stay. And while she's been remarkably convincing, and I've been taking FULL advantage of the situation... I am not convinced in the slightest that she's legit. I've administered tests to solidify my theory periodically. I've said/done some shit so ridiculously heinous, that afterward, no matter how much you love someone or want to be with them, you would want to stab them in the face . And she never fucking blinked...
Yet still, I find my resolve wavering.
I think she's, quite literally, sucking the anger out of me. I know what I have to do... I've seen this movie before.. I know how it ends...but I'm shaky on pulling the trigger. At least when I'm sober. Drinking is a different story entirely.
I've been hitting it pretty hard. Often. The stress of the situation(s) has definitely taken it's toll. I've found that self destruction is the best way for me to deal with everything going on.... And I've taken my own self destruction to a whole new level....
This last Saturday, Big Cat and myself went out with Ty for a quasi-birthday celebration in Laconia. We started at Cactus Jack's where we ran into a couple of people Mr. Cat went to high school with. We invited them over to the Baja, where Ty's friends were throwing her a birthday shin-dig, and that's when shit got a little nutty...
First of all, we were hammered when we got there. We were all loaded up with Red Stag and Jager before we walked through the door, so the copious amounts of Jack and Coke piled on top of that were like putting out a house fire with a tank full of propane. Jay was in the zone, but I was the epitome of shitbaggery... The drunkest, sketchiest bastard on Earth. I was theivin' money from drunk girls... Then making them pay for twenty dollar Scorpion Bowls... Disappearing, reappearing.... Dancing for eight seconds, then retreating back to the "V.I.P." area to suck down any unattended drinks on the tables....So last call comes around and we get invited to the condos next door for some after hours shenanigans...
These people made me look sober....This one kid was gonna jump off the third story balcony... this other kid was half passed out with what appeared to be his fucking girlfriend in the the entrance hallway....
Luckily for me, They were drunk enough not to notice yours truly swiping the fifth of Jack out of the living room...
The whole night was a mess... I don't remember how we got home.
When I did finally get home around 4am... I decided to stick it to Kim by telling her how I used to fuck her best friend (The previously mentioned Jaime) when she was gone.... Well suffice to say, that opened a completely new can of worms that my drunken ass was not even close to prepared to deal with. Now there are questions as to whether or not her oldest daughter is maybe mine....
The plot thickens when I be hittin the lyric lickin'... KRS 1
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Darrell Lance Abbott....
....August 20, 1966 – December 8, 2004
Five years.
I still tear up when I think about that day. Pantera changed me forever. They made me who I am today. Music that profoundly heavy and emotionally moving doesn't come around very fucking often... For me, anyway. I've always been picky about what I like and don't like when it comes to music.... Pantera just fit... Much like Metallica and Guns N' Roses before them. It was music that not only could I relate to... But that I could feel in my bones... Pantera probably more than any other band. GN'R could maybe give them a run for their money... But it was Pantera that I would have killed for...I would have died for...People hear about how fiercely loyal their fans were, and they may find it hard to imagine.. But I was one of those fans. I actually called the "Dime Line" 900 number printed on the sleeve of The Great Southern Trendkill back in '96, specifically to leave Darrell a message with my phone number in case the band needed a permanent roadie that would work for "beer and admission to every single Pantera show until forever"....And I would have gladly given up my future plans to follow them everywhere.... Sounds ridiculous, I know... But I would have done it... without hesitation... Sometimes I still wish I had gotten that phone call.
8/26/96
The best day of my life will ALWAYS be August 26, 1996... The day of my first concert.... And the first time of five times that I saw Pantera live....Pantera, White Zombie, The Deftones, and Anal Cunt in Worcester, MA.... I went with my cousin, her boyfriend, and another friend. We had the nosebleed seats... But it didn't matter to me. Not in the least.... I sat in my seat politely for all the other bands. There was only one band I was interested in, and I wasn't about to waste one single fucking ounce of energy for anyone else... When the opening strains of Suicide Note Part 1 began to play and the lighters came out, (Yes, kids...lighters)... It was as close to a religious experience as I will ever have. Every bit of me poured out in the next two hours... I gave them everything I had.... Some big, bald biker got me to help him destroy our entire row of seats as I screamed every syllable to every song at the top of my lungs... When I walked out of the venue, I was so physically and emotionally drained, that I could hardly walk...
Seems like last fucking week.... Jesus.. I miss them so much. I've said it before.. And I'll say it again... FORGIVE PHIL, Vince and Rita.... Life is too fucking short.
Anyway... Long Live Pantera...
Rest In Peace, Darrell.
Five years.
I still tear up when I think about that day. Pantera changed me forever. They made me who I am today. Music that profoundly heavy and emotionally moving doesn't come around very fucking often... For me, anyway. I've always been picky about what I like and don't like when it comes to music.... Pantera just fit... Much like Metallica and Guns N' Roses before them. It was music that not only could I relate to... But that I could feel in my bones... Pantera probably more than any other band. GN'R could maybe give them a run for their money... But it was Pantera that I would have killed for...I would have died for...People hear about how fiercely loyal their fans were, and they may find it hard to imagine.. But I was one of those fans. I actually called the "Dime Line" 900 number printed on the sleeve of The Great Southern Trendkill back in '96, specifically to leave Darrell a message with my phone number in case the band needed a permanent roadie that would work for "beer and admission to every single Pantera show until forever"....And I would have gladly given up my future plans to follow them everywhere.... Sounds ridiculous, I know... But I would have done it... without hesitation... Sometimes I still wish I had gotten that phone call.
8/26/96
The best day of my life will ALWAYS be August 26, 1996... The day of my first concert.... And the first time of five times that I saw Pantera live....Pantera, White Zombie, The Deftones, and Anal Cunt in Worcester, MA.... I went with my cousin, her boyfriend, and another friend. We had the nosebleed seats... But it didn't matter to me. Not in the least.... I sat in my seat politely for all the other bands. There was only one band I was interested in, and I wasn't about to waste one single fucking ounce of energy for anyone else... When the opening strains of Suicide Note Part 1 began to play and the lighters came out, (Yes, kids...lighters)... It was as close to a religious experience as I will ever have. Every bit of me poured out in the next two hours... I gave them everything I had.... Some big, bald biker got me to help him destroy our entire row of seats as I screamed every syllable to every song at the top of my lungs... When I walked out of the venue, I was so physically and emotionally drained, that I could hardly walk...
Seems like last fucking week.... Jesus.. I miss them so much. I've said it before.. And I'll say it again... FORGIVE PHIL, Vince and Rita.... Life is too fucking short.
Anyway... Long Live Pantera...
Rest In Peace, Darrell.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Day 8....
... It gets worse before it gets better
Shit got real today... Clearly, she must have thought I was bullshitting her about this whole thing.
It snowed like a prick last night... I was working until seven, and the plan was to go out with Big Cat. That is the Saturday Fucking Ritual. Work. Bar. Sleepy Time. But we were planning on changing it up a bit by going to Concord to see Boondock Saints II...
We got a couple of bottles of booze, and were ready to do the thing, but the snow complicated shit a tad.. The Swamp Thing is rockin' bald front tires, and I couldn't get through to the theater for show times. Not to mention the bar would almost certainly be a dead scene, and we're gakked up to the bejesus. So we decide to stay at the fuckin' Lab. The phone starts blowing up with the whole Why don't you just come home? You don't need to hang out with Jay nonsense. Except this time... it's "because the kids miss you"... Cool, Bitch.. Keep playing the kids against me. This is an example of the shit. I come home every single fucking night. And the one night a week I go out, you lay the fucking guilt trip on me? No. Nothing changes. No apologies. Let me talk to Katie.... No. She's mad at you...I finally get her to let me talk to my nine year old daughter long enough to tell her that the roads are dogshit, and I'm sleeping over at Uncle Jayson's house.. and I will take her out Sunday night when I get out of work.. That does the trick. But now I fuming about the way this situation was handled. Just another symptom of her fucking condition.... Long story short, there may have been some drunken shenanigans and I leave the Lab at seven in the morning and go home for an hour of shut eye before work.
I get out of work. Go home to We need to talk about all this.. Wait.. What do we need to talk about? Apparently, she thought we were just "fighting", and that I wasn't really serious about kicking her to the fucking curb. WRONG. Yes, I want a divorce. No, This isn't fixable. Yes, I am comfortable with that. I am enlightened... She goes from livid to distraught, back to pissed and around to I'm going to kill myself again..... This is too much. Whether or not she legitimately intends on ending her own life is irrelevant. The part that bothers me is saying this shit in close enough proximity to the kids so that they are within earshot. I go off on a rant. The previous blog posts rant. Layed it all out on Front St... Droppin knowledge, son. Articulate and venomous.. I can honestly say that I was not shocked by her inability to grasp what I was trying to tell her. She's getting all up in my shit, bawling Why don't you love me anymore? I'll die without you... Nonsense. I'm done. Twelve years of trying to nudge her forward has become a futile enterprise that I am no longer willing to take part in. And the kids are now crying, because their self-centered, arrogant, cunt of a mother is crying her eyes out and yelling about how she isn't going to live and nothing matters....
Great. Just the stupid, immature bullshit they need to hear come out of their mother's fucking cake hole. My little girls are now worried that their mother is going to commit suicide, and it's all Daddy's fault....To be continued...
Shit got real today... Clearly, she must have thought I was bullshitting her about this whole thing.
It snowed like a prick last night... I was working until seven, and the plan was to go out with Big Cat. That is the Saturday Fucking Ritual. Work. Bar. Sleepy Time. But we were planning on changing it up a bit by going to Concord to see Boondock Saints II...
We got a couple of bottles of booze, and were ready to do the thing, but the snow complicated shit a tad.. The Swamp Thing is rockin' bald front tires, and I couldn't get through to the theater for show times. Not to mention the bar would almost certainly be a dead scene, and we're gakked up to the bejesus. So we decide to stay at the fuckin' Lab. The phone starts blowing up with the whole Why don't you just come home? You don't need to hang out with Jay nonsense. Except this time... it's "because the kids miss you"... Cool, Bitch.. Keep playing the kids against me. This is an example of the shit. I come home every single fucking night. And the one night a week I go out, you lay the fucking guilt trip on me? No. Nothing changes. No apologies. Let me talk to Katie.... No. She's mad at you...I finally get her to let me talk to my nine year old daughter long enough to tell her that the roads are dogshit, and I'm sleeping over at Uncle Jayson's house.. and I will take her out Sunday night when I get out of work.. That does the trick. But now I fuming about the way this situation was handled. Just another symptom of her fucking condition.... Long story short, there may have been some drunken shenanigans and I leave the Lab at seven in the morning and go home for an hour of shut eye before work.
I get out of work. Go home to We need to talk about all this.. Wait.. What do we need to talk about? Apparently, she thought we were just "fighting", and that I wasn't really serious about kicking her to the fucking curb. WRONG. Yes, I want a divorce. No, This isn't fixable. Yes, I am comfortable with that. I am enlightened... She goes from livid to distraught, back to pissed and around to I'm going to kill myself again..... This is too much. Whether or not she legitimately intends on ending her own life is irrelevant. The part that bothers me is saying this shit in close enough proximity to the kids so that they are within earshot. I go off on a rant. The previous blog posts rant. Layed it all out on Front St... Droppin knowledge, son. Articulate and venomous.. I can honestly say that I was not shocked by her inability to grasp what I was trying to tell her. She's getting all up in my shit, bawling Why don't you love me anymore? I'll die without you... Nonsense. I'm done. Twelve years of trying to nudge her forward has become a futile enterprise that I am no longer willing to take part in. And the kids are now crying, because their self-centered, arrogant, cunt of a mother is crying her eyes out and yelling about how she isn't going to live and nothing matters....
Great. Just the stupid, immature bullshit they need to hear come out of their mother's fucking cake hole. My little girls are now worried that their mother is going to commit suicide, and it's all Daddy's fault....To be continued...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
I'm Not Caving In....
You like to hurt me
You know that you do
You like to think in some way
That it's me and not you
(But we know that isn't true)
You like to have me
Jump and be good
But I don't want to do it
You don't know why I don't act
The way you think I should
You thought they'd make me
Behave and submit
What were you thinking
'Cause I don't forget
You don't know why
I won't give in
To hell with the pressure
I'm not caving in
You know that I got
Under your skin
You sold your soul
But I won't let you win
You talk too much
You say I do
Difference is nobody cares about you
You've got all the answers
You know everything
Why nobody asked you
It's a mystery to me
I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who in the hell to
Or not to believe
I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who you can trust now
Or you should believe
You should believe
You don't know who you can trust now
Or you should believe
You close your eyes
All well and good
I'll kick you ass
Like I said that I would
You tell them stories
They'd rather believe
Use and confuse them
They're numb and naïve
The truth is the truth hurts don't you agree
It's harder to live with the truth about you
Than to live with the lies about me
Nobody owes you
Not one god damn thing
You know where to put your
Just shut up and sing
I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You don't know who in the hell to
Or not to believe
I'm sorry for you
Not sorry for me
You chose to hurt those that love you
And not set them free
Not set them free
You chose to hurt those that love you
And not set them free
You don't need
Anybody else to be
Sorry for you
You've got no heart
You can't see
All that you've done for me
I know the reasons
You tear me apart
Friday, December 4, 2009
Day 5... Part Two...
So.. as I was saying.... The first few days my resolve was unwavering. The last couple of days has been a challenge. When this whole thing was first "discussed", there was a clear solution: She would leave, and I would stay. The kids stay with me.. And she disappears to start another franchise somewhere else. We agreed. I just needed to give her a couple of days to figure out where she was going....Jaime would take her to Laconia in the morning to file for divorce.. Then the next day, I start getting the whole: You don't need to worry about a divorce, because I'll be dead bullshit.. I'll just find a way to go to jail... We've been here before. This is a test. How serious am I?.. This is the first step. She's pulled this nonsense before, and I caved. I Am Jack's Complete Lack Of Emotion. I do not react. I no longer give a shit. I continue to be the calm center of the universe. So.. You couldn't find a place to go, then? Clearly, I am no longer blinded by insecurity.. She knows I know what she's trying to do... And it's not going to work.
Then the kids get dragged into it... I saw it coming. Trina is very upset.. She's going to see a counselor, and she doesn't want to live with either one of us... Step 2: Use children as a weapon.. AKA If You Don't Love Me Anymore, Then Let Me Stay For The Kids... Been here before too. I don't think it's fair to the kids for me to have to leave... So I talk to Trina... I tell her everything... The reasons why I think it would be better if we weren't together.. How her mother makes me feel... Everything...The Non-Sugar Coated Version. This is why I drink so much and shut down when I'm home.. because she makes me miserable.. not you guys... It takes me a good half hour. She seems to understand. I leave with Mr. Cat.. Van Damme. 2 steps out of the way. There is only one more step left that I've encountered before... And It's the one I ALWAYS cave in on when I get past the first two steps... And I am mentally prepared for it...
Step 3: SEX...
Usually when the sex step happens, it's a sign of two things... One: Her desperation. If I fuck his brains out, like I did in the beginning, he will remember how much he loves(ed) me... Two: My weakness. I am not fully committed to leaving her, and I just want things to be like they were in the beginning. I want peace. Holy Fuck! She can't keep my cock out of her mouth... Things are going to be better! And then it turns into some weird, intense thing that ultimately achieves the desired result for both of us.. albeit temporarily....
This time it's completely different. The first two steps usually dent my armor pretty good.. So, by the time the pussy starts getting whipped out, and body fluids get exchanged, I'm pretty much ready to let it go... The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back... But at this point, I'm still holding very strong... I can't even stand to be in the same room as her...We've been relatively civil to each other, and she's been pretty sane acting.. But I am aware of how this goes.
So... without going into details, she fucked me. Twice. I didn't cave. Not even a little. And it's pissing her off... Bad. I shouldn't have done it... But I separated what my cock wanted from what I wanted... It wasn't about her at all... With other women, I can almost effortlessly shut down my feelings when I fuck them. There is the sex part... And then there's everything else... I do not, under any circumstances, blur that line unless I want to. She has now gotten a taste of the real me... Who I am now...Let's see how she reacts. I had a moment last night, where emotions started to creep into my thoughts, but I quickly squashed it... Step four is soon approaching. And I can't fucking wait to see which direction this shit show is going in next....
Then the kids get dragged into it... I saw it coming. Trina is very upset.. She's going to see a counselor, and she doesn't want to live with either one of us... Step 2: Use children as a weapon.. AKA If You Don't Love Me Anymore, Then Let Me Stay For The Kids... Been here before too. I don't think it's fair to the kids for me to have to leave... So I talk to Trina... I tell her everything... The reasons why I think it would be better if we weren't together.. How her mother makes me feel... Everything...The Non-Sugar Coated Version. This is why I drink so much and shut down when I'm home.. because she makes me miserable.. not you guys... It takes me a good half hour. She seems to understand. I leave with Mr. Cat.. Van Damme. 2 steps out of the way. There is only one more step left that I've encountered before... And It's the one I ALWAYS cave in on when I get past the first two steps... And I am mentally prepared for it...
Step 3: SEX...
Usually when the sex step happens, it's a sign of two things... One: Her desperation. If I fuck his brains out, like I did in the beginning, he will remember how much he loves(ed) me... Two: My weakness. I am not fully committed to leaving her, and I just want things to be like they were in the beginning. I want peace. Holy Fuck! She can't keep my cock out of her mouth... Things are going to be better! And then it turns into some weird, intense thing that ultimately achieves the desired result for both of us.. albeit temporarily....
This time it's completely different. The first two steps usually dent my armor pretty good.. So, by the time the pussy starts getting whipped out, and body fluids get exchanged, I'm pretty much ready to let it go... The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back... But at this point, I'm still holding very strong... I can't even stand to be in the same room as her...We've been relatively civil to each other, and she's been pretty sane acting.. But I am aware of how this goes.
So... without going into details, she fucked me. Twice. I didn't cave. Not even a little. And it's pissing her off... Bad. I shouldn't have done it... But I separated what my cock wanted from what I wanted... It wasn't about her at all... With other women, I can almost effortlessly shut down my feelings when I fuck them. There is the sex part... And then there's everything else... I do not, under any circumstances, blur that line unless I want to. She has now gotten a taste of the real me... Who I am now...Let's see how she reacts. I had a moment last night, where emotions started to creep into my thoughts, but I quickly squashed it... Step four is soon approaching. And I can't fucking wait to see which direction this shit show is going in next....
Day...Ummmm...6?...5?..Yeah..5...
...The first few days since the D word was first used... It was pretty goddamned easy to keep my emotions in check. Hanging out with Jay... talking to Ty. Drinking pretty heavy. Staying away from the house. Repeating the below mentioned "Mantra"... Even listening to Chinese Democracy seemed more empowering than depressing. This was never about whether or not I cared, so much as about reclaiming my independence. Not freedom from responsibility.. I can handle that.I just can't handle the negativity.. The penance I always seem to pay for someone else's sins. Like somehow it's all MY fault... When it's clearly not. Am I an angel? Absolutely not... Have I made mistakes? More than anyone could possibly imagine. But do I have to pay for those mistakes forever? Should I have to pay for the mistakes someone else made years before I met them?... Should anyone? Anyway.. It started out well... The last two days have been .. ummmm.. complicated. I'll get into specifics tomorrow.. but for today, let me just give you a brief overview of how this all came to pass....
At a certain point, the emotional attachment to someone just completely severs... And you're left observing the situation from a neutral standpoint. You begin to realize that if this person wasn't in your life for the last twelve and a half years, you would probably fucking loathe them...You literally have NOTHING in common. But the first couple of times you realized that this wasn't working, you kinda "pussed out" and tried again... This is the person you've been with since you were fucking nineteen.... It's all you've ever known... Things get serious, and the separation anxiety starts... Then you get that lump in your stomach and you can't go through with it. Each time something else starts the doubt. The immature insecurity. Will she sleep with someone else? Will she kill herself? Can I survive without her? So you back down...Make up sex... teary eyes.. We'll NEVER let this happen to us again....She wins. Things would go well for a little while, and then it would start all over again. Each time, the interval in between "episodes" gets shorter, and shorter.... But you keep trying. You have two beautiful little girls... And you don't want them to go through the same shit you did when you were a kid.
But how long before they start to see through the cracks in the foundation? How long will it be before staying together is doing more emotional damage than splitting up would do? Christ.. They're turning into her... Lazy, Bitchy and dripping with a sense of entitlement. I can't have that.
Some men have a need to be "domesticated"... They crave a Mother Figure that will tell them what they can or cannot do.. Cook their meals.. Do their laundry. A "Warden" that will keep them comfortable and sheltered from the outside world... Keep them safe and laid. She will ground them if she feels it's necessary... and scold them for being late for dinner. You know.. treat them like a fucking child... My wife would make those men very happy... But not me... Not anymore. The negatives far outweigh the positives. I am a grown up with responsibilities and perspective. She is an enormously crazy, depressed, and psychotic stay-at-home nothing that acts like a perpetually menstruating fucking teenager. All. The. Time. At some point recently, I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't make any more sense to get pissed off or upset that she's mad at me than it would to get pissed off or frustrated that the sun was going to come up. It doesn't matter what I do... It's going to happen either way. So why let it bother me?
I guess the point is.. she's sucking the fucking life out of me. I don't need the bullshit. I would rather jerk off and live by myself. I'll always have a certain connection with her.. Because of the time we've spent together, and the kids... But I can no longer let her stifle my evolution as a person. There are too many things I'd rather do.... Status update and whatnot tomorrow, kids....
At a certain point, the emotional attachment to someone just completely severs... And you're left observing the situation from a neutral standpoint. You begin to realize that if this person wasn't in your life for the last twelve and a half years, you would probably fucking loathe them...You literally have NOTHING in common. But the first couple of times you realized that this wasn't working, you kinda "pussed out" and tried again... This is the person you've been with since you were fucking nineteen.... It's all you've ever known... Things get serious, and the separation anxiety starts... Then you get that lump in your stomach and you can't go through with it. Each time something else starts the doubt. The immature insecurity. Will she sleep with someone else? Will she kill herself? Can I survive without her? So you back down...Make up sex... teary eyes.. We'll NEVER let this happen to us again....She wins. Things would go well for a little while, and then it would start all over again. Each time, the interval in between "episodes" gets shorter, and shorter.... But you keep trying. You have two beautiful little girls... And you don't want them to go through the same shit you did when you were a kid.
But how long before they start to see through the cracks in the foundation? How long will it be before staying together is doing more emotional damage than splitting up would do? Christ.. They're turning into her... Lazy, Bitchy and dripping with a sense of entitlement. I can't have that.
Some men have a need to be "domesticated"... They crave a Mother Figure that will tell them what they can or cannot do.. Cook their meals.. Do their laundry. A "Warden" that will keep them comfortable and sheltered from the outside world... Keep them safe and laid. She will ground them if she feels it's necessary... and scold them for being late for dinner. You know.. treat them like a fucking child... My wife would make those men very happy... But not me... Not anymore. The negatives far outweigh the positives. I am a grown up with responsibilities and perspective. She is an enormously crazy, depressed, and psychotic stay-at-home nothing that acts like a perpetually menstruating fucking teenager. All. The. Time. At some point recently, I came to the conclusion that it wouldn't make any more sense to get pissed off or upset that she's mad at me than it would to get pissed off or frustrated that the sun was going to come up. It doesn't matter what I do... It's going to happen either way. So why let it bother me?
I guess the point is.. she's sucking the fucking life out of me. I don't need the bullshit. I would rather jerk off and live by myself. I'll always have a certain connection with her.. Because of the time we've spent together, and the kids... But I can no longer let her stifle my evolution as a person. There are too many things I'd rather do.... Status update and whatnot tomorrow, kids....
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I Know You Better....
No one ever told me when
I was alone
They just thought I'd know better, better
No one ever told me when
I was alone
They just thought I'd know better, better
The hardest part
This troubled heart
Has ever yet been through now
Was heal the scars
That got their start
Inside someone like you now
For had I known
Or I'd been shown
Back when how long it'd take me
To break the charms
That brought me harm
And all but would erase me
I never won
Or thought I could
No matter what you'd pay me
Replay the part
You stole my heart
I should have known you're crazy
If all I knew
Was that with you
I'd want someone to save me
It'd be enough
But just my luck
I fell in love and maybe
All that I wanted was
Now I know you better
You know I know better
Now I know you better
So bittersweet
This tragedy
Won't ask for absolution
This melody
Inside of me
Still searches for solution
A twist of faith
A change of heart
Cures my infatuation
A broken heart
Provides the spark
For my determination
No one ever told me when
I was alone
They just thought I'd know better, better
No one ever told me when
I was alone
They just thought I'd know better, better
All that I wanted was
Now I know you better
You know I know better
Now I know you better
I never wanted you to be so full of anger (anger)
I never wanted you to be somebody else
I never wanted you to be someone afraid to know themselves
I only wanted you to see things for yourself
All that I wanted was
Now I know you better
Now we all know better
All that I wanted was
If I were you
I'd manage to
Avoid the invitation
Of promised love
That can't keep up
With your adoration
Just use your head
And in the end
You'll find your inspiration
To choose your steps
And won't regret
This kind of aggravation
No one ever told me when
I was alone
They just thought I'd know better, better
No one ever told me when
I was alone
They just thought I'd know better, better
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