Episode 10: Hypothetically Speaking....

I Got No More Patience....

Lifting the Veil....

.....Obama and the Failure of Capitalist Democracy

Today Is The 100th Anniversary....

.. Of The Triangle ShirtWaist Fire

We are racing to the bottom.
History is repeating itself.
Unless we put our foot down, we will go backwards beyond slavery...


 The Punk Patriot

To Whom It May Concern....

Just in case my partner in crime, Mr. Cat, didn't adequately get his point across in the previous blog post ...


Mind your own fucking business....


I don't know who you think you are, you self-righteous,arrogant  piece of shit, but it would be wise to cease and desist all public comments about me, my kids, my blog, or my fucking podcast from here on out. 


It must be nice to sit at home all day, while your wife works her ass off, collecting a substantial check from the  government... Just so you can sit around all day judging how others live and raise their children. You know... those "drunks" that work fifty hours a week and contribute to the social security fund you fucking LIVE OFF OF? People like me give sanctimonious cunts like yourself the opportunity to swallow handfuls of free prescription drugs and run your insolent mouths about things you are arduously obtuse about.... I tried to let it go.. I really fucking tried.


But, really.. Why? Why on Earth should I sit back and allow you to poison the minds of the public with your outright lies any longer?   Fact is... You know nothing. You don't know me from a hole in the wall, yet for some reason, you feel compelled to speak your feeble-minded opinion of me to anyone that will listen. I have my own little theory as to why you are so passionate and outspoken about the subject, but that's a conversation for another day...


 The conclusions you erroneously come to about my lifestyle, and what I expose my kids to are laughable.
MAYHAM with Big Cat And Furbush is entertainment. Plain and simple. Everything we converse about or allude to is hypothetical. As for the presence of my 11 year old daughter during it's recording? 


Non- Existent. 




She goes to bed at 9:30pm on school nights..... On the nights Big Cat comes over to record, he arrives at 9pm, at the earliest. There is usually some overlap as Katie is getting ready for bed, and we are preparing to pod, but not much. By the time we actually start recording... It's at least ten. 
Rarely.. She will make a trip out to the "studio" during our session for a last minute, second round of "goodnights" to Daddy and Uncle Jayson.
In our last episode, "Absynthe Makes The Heart Grow Fonder", Kaitlynn is referenced to, or audible twice. The first, at about the 3 and a half minute mark, when we were talking about Joe Rogan and Kevin Smith, and the second, at the 5 minute mark, when I was referring to the untouched beer bong. At that point, she went back to bed. First off... I'm not sure if you're aware of the podcast concept. While some Pods are recorded and broadcast live, ours isn't one of them. In other words, the fact that it was posted on Sunday, March 20th at 10:51pm... doesn't necessarily indicate that it was recorded at that time. In fact... It was recorded on Thursday, March 17th beginning at 9:20pm... just as my baby girl was hitting the sack. She was not, nor is she EVER a witness to the type of "colorful" banter MAYHAM is known for. 


Look at you... So quick to pontificate about the inadequacy of my parenting and the lack of positive influence I have on my children's lives, while, at the same time, extolling the parental virtues of a convicted child molester who hasn't worked in almost a dozen years, and has never had a driver's license. She can't even provide for herself, yet, strangely, you consider me to be the destructive influence. If that's your ideal role model, you are clearly a sane and reasonable, logical individual... I rest my fucking case... 

You are profoundly naive, sir. I know, I know.. "Her past is irrelevant, and she's really, really close to getting a job and her licence"... How's that going for ya?  I'm not really one to say "I told you so", but trust me, Fuck Stick... Been there, done that.

I digress...

The ONLY time my kids are exposed to ANY of the potentially hurtful/harmful content of either this blog, my podcast, or anything else you or anyone else may consider "unsavory" written or performed by their Father anywhere on the internet is served to them on a silver platter on your fucking watch. You, and you ALONE lead them to it, and say "Look.. Look at what your Father said... isn't HE a winner?" while you shovel another wheelbarrow full of state-subsidized scripts in your face and wait for the  15th of the month...

Some day, you'll wake up and realize that I'm not nearly as much of an asshole as my reputation (or Kim) may suggest, and that you probably should have kept your ignorant fucking mouth shut...

Until Then...

Just leave it the fuck alone.
Love Always,
Furbush...

PS... Thanks for listening. 

You Motherfuckers Make It SO Easy For Me To HATE You...

It's fucking ridiculous at this point, honestly...

THOSE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW STONES.

AKA

IF YOU ARE HOUSING A KNOWN PEDOPHILE IN YOUR HOME, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT.... (I repeat) NO FUCKING RIGHT TO JUDGE ANYONE...


You motherfuckers, you dumb motherfuckers

A. Everything, and I mean fucking EVERYTHING that is either posted on this blog, pertaining to the personal lives of the authors, or that is stated on the podcast by Big Cat, Furbush, or ANY guests that we may be featuring is HYPOTHETICAL, HYPOTHETICAL, HYPOTHETICAL (and for you slow motherfuckers at home who enjoy housing pedophiles, I will fucking state it again) HYPOTHETICAL. In case you are wondering, allow me to elaborate....

HYPOTHETICAL: ADJ. - existing only as an idea or concept

This blog and the fucking podcast are here for one SOLE reason, ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!


B. Do you really think, this late in the game, that we don't realize that you pathetic assholes are looking for any excuse to call us out on anything?! Seriously!? You insult my fucking intelligence. We know what you're up to over there, we know that you all search our content with RIDICULOUS scrutiny.... We know this, YOU HAVE PROVEN THIS MULTIPLE TIMES. This is a fucking joke, I am pissed off at the very fact that a post of this nature has become necessary. You people are CHILDREN. This is petty and pathetic and at this point, lets be honest, it's getting sad.... You've tried multiple times (even to the extent of PERJURY) to attack Furbush. It's over....

-Bottom line-

A. Podcast + Blog = TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL (see above for definition)
B. YOU ARE HOUSING A KNOWN PEDOPHILE (Simply check the registry, folks)
C. You seriously need to let this shit go and move on. You are making yourself look like a fool. Everyone in town knows who you have living in that house, and why you continue to attack Furbush...
D. Stop defending that cancer....


 In Closing...

Fuck You, You motherfucking CUNTS... I hope you get AIDS, AMEN

The Project MayHAM Essentials....

....Stephen "Stevie" Ray Vaughan

October 3, 1954 – August 27, 1990

The Project MayHAM Essentials....

... Samuel Burl "Sam" Kinison 

December 8, 1953 – April 10, 1992

mnmlist...

I smell a lifestyle change comin' on....

http://mnmlist.com/

Dame Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor....

.....February 27, 1932 – March 23, 2011

I think Tyler sums it up best....

Sugar... The Bitter Truth

A World Without Cancer...

G. Edward Griffin marshals the evidence that cancer is a deficiency disease - like scurvy or pellagra - aggravated by the lack of an essential food compound in modern man's diet. That substance is vitamin B17. In its purified form developed for cancer therapy, it is known as Laetrile. This story is not approved by orthodox medicine. The FDA, the AMA, and The American Cancer Society have labeled it fraud and quackery. Yet the evidence is clear that here, at last, is the final answer to the cancer riddle. Why has orthodox medicine waged war against this non-drug approach? The author contends that the answer is to be found, not in science, but in politics - and is based upon the hidden economic and power agenda of those who dominate the medical establishment. With billions of dollars spent each year on research, with other billions taken in on the sale of cancer-related drugs, and with fund-raising at an all-time high, there are now more people making a living from cancer than dying from it. If the solution should be found in a simple vitamin, this gigantic industry could be wiped out over night. The result is that the politics of cancer therapy is more complicated than the science....

http://www.vitaminb17.org/foods.htm

Far Beyond Driven....

....On this day in 1994, Pantera released Far Beyond Driven...One of my  Top 3 Favorite Albums Of All Time... It debuted at #1 on the Billboard 200 &; #1 on the Australians charts. Without MTV or radio...A feat that would never be accomplished in today's musical climate...

 There was this kid... I think his name was Steve... in a couple of my classes in eighth grade that worshiped Pantera. Every day, before school.. or in between classes... I'd see his fat ass lurking the halls with a Walkman glued to his head. In the Walkman?  Either Cowboys From Hell or Vulgar Display Of Power... END OF LIST.  That was literally all he listened to. He was about 5' 8''...240lbs... Had a mullet... and was always, that is... 100% of the time... wearing a Pantera t-shirt... Usually, it was one of those "all-over" shirts... Remember those?...
Anyways.... I talked to this kid every fucking day...
Every conversation we had, he would find a way to inject Pantera into it, in some fashion... And every time... I would find a way to tell him how much Pantera sucked.
He would get sooooo pissed.
Truth is... I had never heard Pantera before in my entire life. Not once.
He would spend hours.. And I DO mean hours... pontificating about the brilliance of Pantera to me every week.. And how much he was looking forward to their third album.
He had seen them a bunch of times, and had even met  Dimebag and Rex... Just for me to reply "Who Cares? They Fucking Suck.." "That's great, Steve... Too bad they really, really fucking suck." I was brutal.

My 3 favorite artists at the time?  Guns N' Roses, Aerosmith, and Motley Crue.. Not even, like, good OLD Aerosmith, either.  We're talking Permanent Vacation Aerosmith... I was a complete tenderfoot novice when it came to rock. My brother turned me on to that shit... Before that? Bon Jovi, Twisted Sister, and my mother's favorite band The Stompers...with a little DJ Jazzy Jeff And The Fresh Prince thrown in there for good measure. That was it. The full extent of my music knowledge.  I hadn't a fucking clue. I still had yet to discover Metallica, or anything even remotely heavy. Motley was "metal" to me...


Pantera? That was just noise.

Fast forward a couple of years...  I heard Sad But True.. It was by far the heaviest thing I'd ever heard. And I. LOVED. IT.  All of a sudden, "metal" meant something different to me. Before long, I was digging into Metallica's discography, getting into Countdown To Extinction.and Dirt....My brother Al had Vulgar and would torture me by playing "Hollow" every night on repeat.

  All. Night. Long.


Christ... The guitar melody was imprinted into my soul, I heard it so many times. So, even though I was beginning to warm to the heavier shit, here was someone else cramming this fucking band down my throat... And I still didn't like the screaming vocals...

It was around that time I started auditioning for bands. I kinda, sorta played drums.... When that didn't work out, I thought I'd try to sing...( Insert Horrible Axl Rose Impression Joke HERE, Big Cat) One of the bands I "auditioned" for included this kid, Kibbey, that  I used to talk to every day on the bus about all kinds of music shit... After the audition, it was very clear that "I wasn't a good fit for what they were trying to do.." Nevertheless, we still hung out. I highly respected his taste in music. He'd turned me on to a ton of shit that I probably wouldn't have been exposed to otherwise... He let me borrow a shit load of tapes:  Faith No More, Fugazi, Nine Inch Nails, etc.... I'd take them home... dub them.. Then swiftly return them.

Then.. A day I'll never forget. I was riding home on the bus, and happened to glance toward the back of the bus. Three seats behind me was Kibbey... Headphones on... Wearing a MASSIVE shit-eating grin. I shot him that "what's up" reverse nod.  He said nothing. He pulled a tape case out of his bag , pointed to it... nodded his head and flashed a single thumb in the air. I held my hand out, assuming he would let me borrow the cassette, as he had so many others. He shook his head and returned the empty case to his coat pocket.

I read that as " It's too fucking good, Dave... I ain't giving it up.."

'Nuff (Not) Said.

The next day, I caught a ride to Sanford, ME and bought it. Sight unseen. And went straight home.  A move that I have regretted a million times. But, not that day...  Not that day... 
When my destination had been reached, I loaded the tape into the living room stereo. There was nobody home, so I turned the volume way up to immerse myself in the experience.
All I can say is this:
I have never heard, before or since, music as brutally heavy, intense and insanely precise.. with that level of musicianship in my entire life.  Strength Beyond Strength grabbed me by the throat and the album did NOT let go until Planet Caravan. It didn't even slightly loosen it's grip.The pure savage ferocity of this record scarred me. The riffs made The Black Album sound like Warrant. The solos were innovative, and soulful. Dimebag plays his sack off, without sounding like a fucking show-off The drums (particularly the double-bass drum fills in Becoming) made Lars Ulrich sound like a droopy eyed, armless child.( A sound Ulrich would go on to perfect on St. Anger.) Rex fucking OWNS the low end.
And the vocals? Amazing. If you're one of those people that aren't really into screaming vocals, this record is proof that, when done right, they can project raw, visceral emotion and still have melody to boot. Many will argue that Vulgar Display Of Power is their Masterpiece. Maybe so....
But Far Beyond Driven is a different trip entirely. It picks up where Vulgar left off, drops a ton of acid and Human Growth Hormone and drives it's  roid'd out head into a brick fucking wall. Over and over again. It's raw, tortured, and yet completely controlled fucking CHAOS... Hard as a rock. Shut like a lock. And it's glorious. Say what you will about how "unlistenable" it is... To my ears, it's their real masterpiece.
They're all great in their own uniqueness. Each of Pantera's first 3 major label releases has it's own sound completely. If you didn't know that all of them were written and recorded by the same four guys, you'd have a hard time making the connection.  Sadly, it's only just a preview of where they were going before Vince started buying titty bars, Darrell literally drowned in booze, and Phil developed a fondness for needles. After this... It was never quite the same. 
Regardless...
For my money, I'll take FBD over VDOP any day of the week..
As much as I love all things Pantera, Far Beyond Driven was their best and last focused, furious gasp.. Their last act of purpose as a single unit... before the seeds that would ultimately break the band up were planted.

Four years later, I lined up at Strawberries for the Midnight Release of The Great Southern Trendkill.

You Win, Steve.... You Win.

It Calls Itself Slash....

Stuff.co.nz via http://chinese-democracy.blogspot.com/
The Original Guns N' Roses
Last night I sat and watched Guns N' Roses in New York: Live at The Ritz 1988 - a bootleg DVD of a famous concert recorded as an MTV special just after Guns N' Roses had released its breakthrough debut album, Appetite for Destruction.

I consider Appetite for Destruction to be the greatest rock record released in my lifetime - which is to say it's the most special to me; the most relevant. I remember the impact of that album, its initial bite, every time I play it. It's also an album I still play - not just a nostalgic favourite to ponder; it's a record that gets better the more you play it.

There are plenty of clips of the Ritz concert on YouTube, but this was the first time I sat down to watch the entire show. I saw Guns N' Roses in Auckland in 1993 - I was still very much a fan but the pomposity of their double album Use Your Illusion I and II and the change of lineup - augmented with sexy saxophone ladies and backing singers - was far closer to the ego of W. Axl Rose than to the fire and attitude of the original quintet.

The original Guns N' Roses was everything a rock band - especially for that time - should be. They were lifted up above and beyond the other hair-metal/glam bands of the time. Deservedly. Guns N' Roses might have had the look, the attitude, the image, the "bad-boy" appeal making them desirable to men and women with the cliché that the men wanted to be them and the women wanted to be with them - but, most importantly, these guys had the chops. They could play. They were sloppy too - which is important.

There are several mistakes throughout the Ritz concert - guitars out of tune, a couple of fluffed drum-fills, some improvised sections - risks - that don't always pay off. And this all helps the feel of the concert - makes it real. Guns N' Roses was a good band - a great band - and part of the reason the band was so great was because it offered a vital, raw, visceral experience.

It was also a band that worked because every single member contributed to the sound.

Steven Adler used to be written off as sloppy, a drunk, a junkie. He of course - due to all of those things - has now (mostly) written himself off. But he was a great drummer - the Ritz concert shows him in fine form. Those sloshy hi-hats driving the beat - he might be metal's Charlie Watts or Ringo Starr; underrated, maligned and for no real reason. Listen closely: this is an innovative player who never gets in the way of the song. He also had a great drum sound. I'd rather listen to him than Lars Ulrich or most of the shoebox-beating double-bass drum-hards that followed.

Izzy Stradlin is one of the great rhythm guitar players, important to the band for his songwriting contributions. He's also an anchor on stage - essentially the straight man (however ironic/inappropriate the term "straight" might be in conjunction with this band).

Duff McKagan gives the band a lot of its punk energy and feel. Check out the versions of "Nightrain" and "Out Ta Get Me" from the gig. It's Duff driving it - he embodies the punk feel that was an important (often overlooked) part of the GN'R vibe/look/sound.

Slash might have a limited scope and might be killing his own legacy with everything he attempts to do post-GN'R but hear (and watch) him in context. He is a huge presence - uber-cool - and he is the most distinctive, influential guitarist of his generation. He can widdly-widdly (that solo to "Nightrain" is a ripper) but he can also kick back and play simple. That oily riff to "Sweet Child O' Mine" is something every guitarist has a go at; a signature sound. And Slash has several signature riffs/solos - his voice is felt as a guitarist. In that sense you can draw a line - there's Hendrix and the Yardbirds gang (Clapton, Beck, Page) then there's Eddie Van Halen. After that it's Slash - and he's been the lasting presence in rock guitar. Really it's only Jack White that follows - and, well, he's not exactly breaking new ground.

Axl Rose lives inside every song during the Ritz performance, the way a lead singer (for this style of music) must. His sashaying snake on roller-skates dance might have some obvious antecedents (cf: Jagger, Mick and Tyler, Steven) but it's his move-set; he owns it. And that voice - as much as it polarises - watch him in his prime, he's a great rock vocalist.

Live at The Ritz is an important document - it's a simple, sweaty gig from a simple, sweaty rock band. Every song is a hit - it's essentially the Appetite album (minus a couple of songs) and an early version of their "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" cover. It's a band with the world at its feet. It's a band with nothing to lose and everything to prove - an arrogant nonchalance pervades it. There's a unity though - a solidarity in this group providing/creating a group-sound. It was always vulnerable too, always fragile. We know that it fell apart and it's easy to see why - but this moment, frozen in time, shows them to be the best.

Now, let's start a rumour because - well, why not?

I believe that despite all the bad blood, the comments directed toward one another from Axl and Slash, that the original Guns N' Roses lineup will re-form and tour. I believe this. I think it will happen. And I think it should happen.

Appetite for Destruction is the best kind of masterpiece: created for the need to put a lifestyle down on paper, on record. The distillation of influences - if it's not that good then there would be several albums that sound like it. But there are none that come close. This is perfectly imperfect rock'n'roll created by the imperfectly perfect rock'n'roll band of the 1980s.

The 1990s might have killed Guns N' Roses - and what's left of the legacy might be getting chopped up by all of them now (I blame Slash the most) but I think they'll give in and re-form. Not only that - I think they should.

What do you think? And since we're just dealing with a hypothetical here - would you be interested in seeing the original Guns N' Roses? Would you like to hear Appetite for Destruction in its entirety played live?

And while I'm interested in your opinion/s, let me end with this fact: Guns N' Roses was the last great rock'n'roll band - the last to deliver on record and live, the last to live the lifestyle and go from zero-to-hero (and back again).

Postscript: Don't worry about Steven Adler - he plays in a Guns N' Roses tribute band! He'll be able to deliver.

Absynthe Makes The Heart Grow Fonder....

Mitch Hedberg...

... Sit back and laugh your ass off.

MAYHAM is slightly delayed this week... Technical Difficulties...

Enjoy:

And... because Big Cat only checks out new shit when it's Howard Approved....

Support Your Local Music...

...Aaron Lee Marshall

Aaron Lee Marshall, born and raised in the western mountains of Maine. After dropping out of Plymouth State University where he was majoring in Philosophy, he joined the U.S. Army and served a tour in Iraq in '04 and '05 as a Military Police Officer attached to the 1st Infantry Division. During the war he received the Purple Heart for wounds received during combat and an ARCOM with Valor for, " Exceptionally Meritorious Achievement during ground combat operations in Ba'qubah, Iraq on 9 April 2004. PFC Marshall's intrepid actions while under heavy RPG and small arms fire was remarkable. Returning to his fighting position three times after having been thrown clear by the concussion of near direct RPG hits and eliminating the enemy insurgents with his M249 SAW and AT4 were truly courageous acts that reflect his warrior ethos." Returning home after Iraq his life fell apart while dealing with PTSD and other injuries from war. His wife divorced him, he lost his job and had to deal with not being able to see his daughter on a daily basis, which was and still is the hardest to deal with. He still deals daily with the demons that follow him from his time in Iraq, but through the musical project that turned into a full length album, he has been able to somewhat move on with hope and share his stories with other Veterans who are in need of care. He is now pursuing an Business Administration Degree from Southern New Hampshire University.

Follow and support Marshall through facebook, twiiter, The ALM Official Store, AaronLeeMarshall.com, and MySpace

Tell him Project MayHAM sent ya....

Manifest Destiny's Child....

Thanks, Mack....

Mastodon...

...Live At The Aragon

Amazing live CD/DVD... Purchase IMMEDIATELY. I loved Crack The Skye when it came out... This live record renewed my infatuation with it.... This is essentially Mastodon playing the entire album from start to finish, with some older songs thrown in for good measure... Check it out.
New Episode Of MAYHAM up tomorrow... 

The American Dream....

....By The Provocateur Network
    http://bankofamericasuck.com/

Cassandra Bangs On Single Payer Healthcare...

Please visit and donate to The Punk Patriot...

Visit Cassandra Bangs's Youtube channel here.

She's totally right.

SIX TIMES the number of people who died on 9/11 die EVERY GODDAMN YEAR from preventable or curable illness, here in America, the richest fucking country in the world.

There are two Americas: One America is a place where the rich get whatever the fuck they want.
The other America is a third world shithole where kids die of diseases left over from the Great Gatsby days, like scarlet fever and tuberculosis. Where people still get the fucking BUBONIC PLAGUE.

Six times the number of people who died on 9/11 die every fucking year from preventable or curable illness, and if you are opposed to universal single payer healthcare-- you're a fucking murderer.

Dennis Kucinich In Wisconsin

Top 5 Reasons Why “The Customer Is Always Right” is wrong....

Positive Sharing

When the customer isn’t right – for your business

One woman who frequently flew on Southwest, was constantly disappointed with every aspect of the company’s operation. In fact, she became known as the “Pen Pal” because after every flight she wrote in with a complaint.

She didn’t like the fact that the company didn’t assign seats; she didn’t like the absence of a first-class section; she didn’t like not having a meal in flight; she didn’t like Southwest’s boarding procedure; she didn’t like the flight attendants’ sporty uniforms and the casual atmosphere.

Her last letter, reciting a litany of complaints, momentarily stumped Southwest’s customer relations people. They bumped it up to Herb’s [Kelleher, CEO of Southwest] desk, with a note: ‘This one’s yours.’

In sixty seconds, Kelleher wrote back and said, ‘Dear Mrs. Crabapple, We will miss you. Love, Herb.’”

The phrase “The customer is always right” was originally coined by Harry Gordon Selfridge, the founder of Selfridge’s department store in London in 1909, and is typically used by businesses to:

1. Convince customers that they will get good service at this company
2. Convince employees to give customers good service

Fortunately more and more businesses are abandoning this maxim – ironically because it leads to bad customer service.

Here are the top five reasons why “The customer is always right” is wrong.

1: It makes employees unhappy

Gordon Bethune is a brash Texan (as is Herb Kelleher, coincidentally) who is best known for turning Continental Airlines around “From Worst to First,” a story told in his book of the same title from 1998. He wanted to make sure that both customers and employees liked the way Continental treated them, so he made it very clear that the maxim “the customer is always right” didn’t hold sway at Continental.

In conflicts between employees and unruly customers he would consistently side with his people. Here’s how he puts it:

When we run into customers that we can’t reel back in, our loyalty is with our employees. They have to put up with this stuff every day. Just because you buy a ticket does not give you the right to abuse our employees . . .

We run more than 3 million people through our books every month. One or two of those people are going to be unreasonable, demanding jerks. When it’s a choice between supporting your employees, who work with you every day and make your product what it is, or some irate jerk who demands a free ticket to Paris because you ran out of peanuts, whose side are you going to be on?

You can’t treat your employees like serfs. You have to value them . . . If they think that you won’t support them when a customer is out of line, even the smallest problem can cause resentment.

So Bethune trusts his people over unreasonable customers. What I like about this attitude is that it balances employees and customers, where the “always right” maxim squarely favors the customer – which is not a good idea, because, as Bethune says, it causes resentment among employees.

Of course there are plenty of examples of bad employees giving lousy customer service. But trying to solve this by declaring the customer “always right” is counter-productive.

2: It gives abrasive customers an unfair advantage

Using the slogan “The customer is always right” abusive customers can demand just about anything – they’re right by definition, aren’t they? This makes the employees’ job that much harder, when trying to rein them in.

Also, it means that abusive people get better treatment and conditions than nice people. That always seemed wrong to me, and it makes much more sense to be nice to the nice customers to keepthem coming back.

3: Some customers are bad for business

Most businesses think that “the more customers the better”. But some customers are quite simply bad for business.

Danish IT service provider ServiceGruppen proudly tell this story:

One of our service technicians arrived at a customer’s site for a maintenance task, and to his great shock was treated very rudely by the customer.

When he’d finished the task and returned to the office, he told management about his experience. They promptly cancelled the customer’s contract.

Just like Kelleher dismissed the irate lady who kept complaining (but somehow also kept flying on Southwest), ServiceGruppen fired a bad customer. Note that it was not even a matter of a financial calculation – not a question of whether either company would make or lose money on that customer in the long run. It was a simple matter of respect and dignity and of treating their employees right.

4: It results in worse customer service

Rosenbluth International, a corporate travel agency, took it even further. CEO Hal Rosenbluth wrote an excellent book about their approach called Put The Customer Second – Put your people first and watch’em kick butt.

Rosenbluth argues that when you put the employees first, they put the customers first. Put employees first, and they will be happy at work. Employees who are happy at work give better customer service because:

• They care more about other people, including customers
• They have more energy
• They are happy, meaning they are more fun to talk to and interact with
• They are more motivated

On the other hand, when the company and management consistently side with customers instead of with employees, it sends a clear message that:

• Employees are not valued
• That treating employees fairly is not important
• That employees have no right to respect from customers
• That employees have to put up with everything from customers

When this attitude prevails, employees stop caring about service. At that point, real good service is almost impossible – the best customers can hope for is fake good service. You know the kind I mean: corteous on the surface only.

5: Some customers are just plain wrong

Herb Kelleher agrees, as this passage From Nuts! the excellent book about Southwest Airlines shows:

Herb Kelleher [...] makes it clear that his employees come first — even if it means dismissing customers. But aren’t customers always right? “No, they are not,” Kelleher snaps. “And I think that’s one of the biggest betrayals of employees a boss can possibly commit. The customer is sometimes wrong. We don’t carry those sorts of customers. We write to them and say, ‘Fly somebody else. Don’t abuse our people.’”

If you still think that the customer is always right, read this story from Bethune’s book “From Worst to First”:

A Continental flight attendant once was offended by a passenger’s child wearing a hat with Nazi and KKK emblems on it. It was pretty offensive stuff, so the attendant went to the kid’s father and asked him to put away the hat. “No,” the guy said. “My kid can wear what he wants, and I don’t care who likes it.”

The flight attendant went into the cockpit and got the first officer, who explained to the passenger the FAA regulation that makes it a crime to interfere with the duties of a crew member. The hat was causing other passengers and the crew discomfort, and that interfered with the flight attendant’s duties. The guy better put away the hat.

He did, but he didn’t like it. He wrote many nasty letters. We made every effort to explain our policy and the federal air regulations, but he wasn’t hearing it. He even showed up in our executive suite to discuss the matter with me. I let him sit out there. I didn’t want to see him and I didn’t want to listen to him. He bought a ticket on our airplane, and that means we’ll take him where he wants to go. But if he’s going to be rude and offensive, he’s welcome to fly another airline.

The fact is that some customers are just plain wrong, that businesses are better of without them, and that managers siding with unreasonable customers over employees is a very bad idea, that results in worse customer service.

So put your people first. And watch them put the customers first.

UPDATE:
This post has spawned a great discussion here and one some other websites.
Digg
“One of the consistent back up statements of “The Customer is Always Right” is the amount of dollars it costs to replace a customer. It costs more to replace a customer than to retain one most times. However, it also costs a lot more to recruit, hire, and train a new employee than it does to keep one happy.”

Kinkoids Unite – a site for Kinko’s workers
“In my region, when an employee is mentioned in a customer complaint, he/she has to apologize to all 11 center managers in a conference call whether they were wrong or wronged.”

AdultDVDTalk (huh?)
“Unfortunately though, most companies in the customer service arena no longer even teach the basics of customer service. They just assume that it is a common-sense thing. Having spent 20 years interviewing job applicants, I can also say that there is no such thing as common sense! Just take a look at the high school and college grads showing up for job interviews in jeans and tee-shirts or chewing gum…or my favorite was the young lady who excused herself to answer her cell phone and carry on a brief but totally unnecessary conversation!”

Reddit
“On a very, very small number of occasions in my various service roles over the years, I’ve asked customers to leave the establishment because they were incorribly belligerent, hostile and abusive, and flat-out refused to accept any attempt to satisfy them. In these cases, the people were shopping for a fight rather than a commodity.”

The Rules Of Fast Food....

....Installment 2

5. Yes.. you can Have It Your Way... Within reason.
 Burger King ruined everything ... The only thing they truly accomplished with that statement was encouraging and enabling millions of arrogant, obnoxious, finicky Fuck Bags, who live to make people they perceive as below them dance like fucking puppets.

Look.. I'm aware that people have food allergies... I can respect that. But if you are that highly allergic to gluten.. Maybe you shouldn't be taking such chances with strangers preparing your meals, and just dine at home.
 What the fuck already, with the special order bullshit...?
When I was a kid, my mother loathed pickles. She couldn't stand them. When we would go to a fast food joint... she would order a fucking cheeseburger... pick the unwanted vegetable off of her sandwich, toss it out the window (or give it to me).. and eat the burger. Never ONCE did she order the thing without pickles. NEVER. If there was something on a burger that I didn't like, and I made the ridiculous decision to speak up about it to my parents... My food would end up either sailing onto the side of the road at 55 miles per hour, or in the dog's belly. I learned fast. Shut the fuck up... This is better than leftover meatloaf and Ramen noodles. It's a treat... Enjoy It. 

 Look.. I understood, back in the day... when cheeseburgers were made 12 at a time ,then ....just sat there in a heated bin for 4 hours, that if you wanted "fresh" food... you just ordered it without onions, and the kids in the back had to make a new one... Perfectly understandable.
NEWS FLASH: We haven't made sandwiches "by the batch" in over a fucking decade.. So knock it off.

French Fries without salt...

We know what you're doing. We're not stupid. You just want "fresh" fries. I feel ya, dawg... Me too.

 And rather than just take us for our word when we tell you that the fries we are currently serving just came up, you give us this speech about your sodium intake.

 Save it.

Your large fry with salt has 260mg of sodium... Your Quarter Pounder With Cheese has 820mg. You're fooling no one, fatty. What's that? Sure... You can have some salt packets.... Cunt.

You are too god damn fussy about your food. And you are training your children to follow suit. Normal stuff is fine. No Ketchup, Mustard, etc... Very reasonable. Extra pickles, add bacon... No problem. But, it's so far beyond that these days. People are ridiculous. For instance.. Just today, a woman came inside and ordered a Big Mac
 She wanted the toasted bun in one box, the "well done" beef in another box... The lettuce in it's own box...The sauce in yet another box, and 7... yes... 7 slices of cheese in.. you guessed it... another fucking box. 
At what point did we go from providing fast, quality food at a reasonable value to the hungry, hurried masses, to being your personal fucking monkey? 
There's a line between personal taste and just being completely obnoxious. She crossed it. Twice. Four minutes later, she returned with her box of  custom burnt meat and informed us that there wasn't enough salt  on the fucking shit... Really? REALLY??? 
It's out of control. 


6. And your kids....?  *Sigh* 
First of all... The next time I see a Happy Meal being purchased at 10pm, I'm punching the offending parent in the throat as hard as I can.... TWICE. I realize most of our marketing is aimed at kids...That doesn't mean you pacify them every time they want Mickey Dee's. They're kids. Did you want little Timmy to grow up to be a fat, lazy shit, like his Daddy? Here's a brilliant fucking idea:  Try cooking with your kids. Not only will you have a lot of fun, but you're teaching your kids something and, I can assure you, Whatever you ultimately decide to make is going to be waaaaay healthier... (Unless you're preparing Haggis. In that case... A McChicken seems like a viable alternative.)
But.. Anyway... In the event that you do, in fact, find yourself blatantly destroying  your child's developing digestive system with Fast Food... Rather than grocery shopping and cooking for/with them like a real parent... ;)
 Legitimate allergies notwithstanding.... Here's the game plan, from here on in:
If they're under 13, they have no idea what they like. So what they say doesn't matter. Order for them. There is nothing in life quite like wasting ten maddening minutes watching a 6 year old try to (unsuccessfully) read a menu board and mumble a bunch of gibberish from below the counter... (or, even better still... THE BACK SEAT IN DRIVE THRU) while the line behind him grows longer with impatient, frustrated, hungry grown-ups...Under no circumstances is your small child allowed to even attempt to order. That's YOUR job. Make them sit down...Make sure the little bastard eats it. And YES... That's The Only Toy We Have.

The Rules Of Fast Food....

... Installment 1.


Over two years ago I posted the first installment of  what was supposed to be an ongoing series dealing with what I would consider to be... ummmm.. proper fast food patron etiquette.... The Rules Of Fast Food. I always meant to keep it going... I just never got around to getting off of my fat ass to write more... Well, that's about to change... In the meantime... In case you missed it the first time...  Here Ya Go:

1.The speaker is motion or heat activated. Not voice activated. You do not need to say “hello?” You’re only going to look like a douche bag to the people inside the restaurant.
 We fucking hear you…. Don’t worry.
Going “ um, HELL-LOOO???” makes employees want to kick you in the testicles. If we don’t respond immediately, we are probably busy. But, make no mistake, we are aware of your presence. And we aim to serve you as soon as humanly possible. Honest.
Also… when you pull up to the speaker, we are TRAINED to respond IMMIDIATELY.” Welcome to _____ How can I help you?”
If you aren’t sure what you want, decide quickly, or POLITELY ASK for a moment to decide. If cars are behind you…HURRY THE FUCK UP.(more on that in a minute) Do NOT under any circumstances yell “CAN YOU GIVE ME A MINUTE???!!!!" We’re just doing our job…
We’re very sorry to inconvenience you, but come on, pal, let’s go. When we say, “Sure, just let me know when you’re ready!” this means we are going to try to multitask and maybe help our fellow employees.
This does NOT mean we play the “hello” game again. We’re still here. And we CAN still hear you. This also means that we could be away from the register while we wait for your indecisive ass, so don’t just start blurting out shit…. Tell Us That You Are Ready… ( politely). When we say “go ahead” or “OK” that is your cue. You are not at the Olive Garden. You do not have a table and a menu. We did not ask you if we could start you out with some drinks and the people behind you do not want to give you a minute to decide. FAST food….get it?

2.The speaker in a drive thru is an INTERCOM system. I realize that the intercom is a relatively new invention.
If you are unaware of how this system works, I will be delighted to explain:
Inside that little box is a microphone. You speak calmly and politely into this microphone, and the people inside wearing “headsets” can hear you quite clearly. The headsets ALSO have microphones attached to them. And we, in turn have the ability to communicate with you the very same way. It is not a hole or a tube into the building. Really. You don’t have to yell. Inside voices, please.
And while I’m at the whole volume thing… Diesel engines: when you pull up to the speaker, SHUT THEM THE FUCK OFF. You want to know what it’s like? You’re going to need a partner for this exercise. Put your television on a channel where it’s nothing but static. Good. Now turn the volume all the way up. Excellent. Put your ear against the speaker…..now have your partner go ahead and whisper a bunch of random food items to you. From across the room. Write them on a piece of paper. Difficult? Uncomfortable? Now you know. Turn off the truck, asshole.

3.(part one)…Drive thru is the equivalent of the “express lane” @ the supermarket or department store. Ever go into WAL-MART to get a package of toilet paper and some gum? You’re in a real hurry. The game is on in 10 minutes and you just need Toilet Paper and some Bubblelicious. You have to stop and get gas on your way home. Every line is backed up so you say to yourself “ it’ll probably be much faster to use the express lane”.
There is some 53 year old bingo all star with 3 carts full of shit in front of you, and she pays for everything 12 ITEMS AT A TIME???….”Oh, wait I have a coupon for that”
Sound familiar?
Does that piss you off?
 Would you ever dream of becoming upset with the cashier or, better yet, the manager at WAL-MART because of this inconsiderate Yenta?
Yes?
In this age of the “customer is always right” corporate mindset, it is extremely unlikely that this cashier, who probably makes $7-8 an hour is going to jeopardize her/his employment by enforcing the 12 item rule. Not likely that she’s jeopardizing her job, you say?
NEWS FLASH: These places are owned by giant corporations.
 Regardless of what their advertising may tell you, they only care about one thing: MAKING. MONEY. They are FIRM believers that if a customer has a bad experience, they will tell 15 people and that person will tell 15 MORE people and so on. This affects the bottom line, therefore it is unacceptable.
Lets imagine the cashier says “ excuse me ma’am, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to get in another line. This line is for customers who are purchasing 12 items or less. I apologize for any inconvenience”. “OH. MY. GOD.” This selfish, old, arrogant, fucking cunt thinks to herself. “a cashier just told me that I can’t do something. HOW. DARE. HE/SHE.”
She then proceeds to raise Holy Hell.
She gets the manager and demands at the top of her lungs that she be compensated (in merchandise, or gift certificates or SOMETHING) because this poor cashier was “rude” to her. She writes down the cashier’s name and the managers name. The manager, who just wants to give this lady whatever the hell she wants just so she’ll leave the building with a smile on her face,( because when it’s time for the manager’s review, they take into account how many customer complaints they received in the designated period since that managers last review) offers her the god damn keys to the fucking store.
She aims her nose back in the air, and walks out the door.
She goes home , feeds her 72 cats and picks up her telephone.
She dials the 800 number for the corporate office and tells them how horribly mistreated she was. How she got into the line with 13 items and the cashier told her to put an item away or “get in another fucking line”… she tells them there was no one behind her, so she can’t understand why they couldn’t “bend” the rule this one time. She was scared for her safety because the cashier was using such foul language, so she attempted to politely get the attention of the manager on duty. She tells them that the manager “ignored” her. She ran home crying and she will NEVER step foot in another WAL-MART again.
Of course, the customer service agent with whom she spoke has no idea that this bitch is full of shit. When calls such as this one are received, a protocol is to be followed. The CSA does his/her job. The area supervisor is alerted to the “customer relations issue” at this particular store and the cashier and manager are disciplined. Maybe even fired, because managers can easily be replaced by cashiers with initiative and no criminal record, and a cashier can be replaced by any 16 year old that can pass a drug test. Starting to get it, yet?
3.(part 2) Let me start by saying, it is our goal to make every customer happy. We want you to feel as though you are the most important person on Earth. The only person on Earth. We REALLY do. But don’t fucking push it. The point is: Our operation is specifically designed to be FAST.
Drive Thru is our express lane.
I would say that an example of an acceptable order in DT would be 2 “value meals” or "Combos".
 That’s it.
6 Items. Not 5 cheeseburgers, 2 chicken sandwiches, a chicken salad , a giant western super-burger, 4 large fries, a kids meal with chicken nuggets for a boy with a chocolate shake, a hamburger kids meal with a diet cola for a girl, 2 fudge sundaes and 6 apple pies. Oh, and a bottled water and a medium cola.

If you have your family with you, that’s great! If it’s lunch time and you’re getting lunch for everyone at the office, super. COME INSIDE. The person in the car behind you just wants a double cheeseburger and a small fry.
They’re in a hurry.
Have some Common Fucking Courtesy.
Guess who they’re going to get pissed off at if we take too long. Not you…. Us. “ I only ordered 2 things” they’ll think, “what is taking so long?”
 It’s time for someone to say it. Most of the time, the reason the service at a fast food restaurant is slow : The Customers.
When you order that much stuff in DT, it drastically reduces our ability to serve each of our valued customers in the 2 minutes or so we aim to serve them in. And while you are miles away, stuffing your fat face, we are getting in trouble. The guy behind you is treating us like we are incapable of doing our jobs and we are all minimum wage retards because the 3 cars ahead of him all ordered $38 worth of food apiece in DT. We can only go so fast. We want to make your day, so please, don’t make ours miserable.



4. Once it’s made, or we hand it to you… YOU FUCKING OWN IT!!!!!!
If you do not want it, throw it away yourself. This includes, but is not limited to: Cup Carriers/ Drink Trays. Receipts, etc.
Once again, I say, YOU ARE NOT the only customer we have. The purpose to the drink tray is not entirely for your convenience. If you order more than one drink, we are trained to put your drinks in a carrier. Can you guess why?
If you answered SPEED, dingdingding!!! You win!
Instead of us wasting time handing each drink out one by one, they are placed in a carrier and handed out all at once. If you order only two drinks, sometimes we hand them out individually, but we’re not supposed to. When we hand out the tray, take it. Do not, under any circumstances, try to give it back. We don’t want it. If YOU don’t want it, there are trash receptacles located around the parking lot. USE THEM. You take the time to hand this shit back to us, yet you don’t take the time to examine the contents of your fucking bag to make sure everything that’s supposed to be there is, in fact, there.
Then you call us 45 minutes later to complain that you’re missing shit. Get your priorities straight.
You want all the food you paid for, or do you want to save the planet one cup carrier at a time?