I Just Wanted To Say....

I'm movin' on up son, haha

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Mere moments ago, I was yet again harassed by the Franklin, NH Police Dept.. What the fuck? Are you kidding me? I was walking to the store minding my own FUCKING business cx  , 

Tell Us How You REALLY Feel... (again)

Not my proudest moment, but worth the read regardless... This is from well over a year ago. All is well these days. It's amazing how much I can go off with a hair across my ass...... I just needed to vent. Fucking GOLD.


Am I that much of a fucking asshole? 


How can two people be thick as thieves one minute, then complete fucking strangers the next? We all have our moments, to be certain... But, what the hell? Being sober the last few weeks has put me on extreme edge. I'm borderline fucking psychotic half of the time. I thought I'd be able to deal with this better than I ultimately have... To say it's been a challenge would be a massive understatement. But I'm doing it for me. I don't need a support group. All I need is a little understanding from the people closest to me. When someone's tells you he's going to quit drinking, you do what any best friend would do. As a show of solidarity, you too, quit drinking. Even if they never asked you to... You just DO. You have to... You know that their being sober won't last very long hanging out with your drunk ass...So you take one for the team. When they starts drinking again, you too, may then abandon your strike against booze.


Thick And Thin.... Brothers....No Matter What... It's what we do. 


Almost four weeks ago, I started having some physical "complications"... So I decided that, until I see a doctor, I would stop drinking as a precautionary measure. Yeah, it sucks.. But, hey... Gotta do it... I thought. I hadn't had a physical examination (by a doctor...haha) in over a decade. It was time. A few days after that, Big Cat decided that he too, would quit drinking permanently due to completely unrelated circumstances. Cool. It wasn't absolutely necessary for him to be sober too... But, fuck it.. This should make it easier...




Somewhere along the line, I kinda started enjoying not being hungover every morning. Sure, everyday stress started to get under my skin more... I became perpetually irritated by just about fucking everything... But I physically felt better... Better enough to sorta put off calling the doctor to make an appointment another couple of weeks... Not the brightest idea, but I eventually called them up and got in there. Still gotta run some tests... but I think I'll be OK. But fuck drinking for a while. I had a good run. I beat the living piss out of my body for the last 15 years. It needs a break. Will it last? Who knows... But for now, I'm all set. It's very, very, very, very, very fucking difficult.. But, I believe, in the long run... It's for the best.




Now, when Big Cat kinda, sorta, jumped off the 'ol wagon, I was initially disappointed, but the one thing I would NEVER do is judge the fucking guy... Been there, done that.. A thousand fucking times. He was hanging out with other friends, chilling with Stephy Mac. Cool. This shit's been hard... The last thing I wanted do is project my fucked up, irritable, shit show on him. Who the fuck am I to impose my new lifestyle on a motherfucker... He's doing his thing. I'm doing mine. Same shit, different dynamic. He's my best fucking friend.. If I were to sit here and type out all the horrific/hilarious shit we've been through together in the last couple of years, I would be typing until next fucking Thursday... So I'm not gonna. Instead, I will tell y'all that we're pretty much fucking blood. We're that tight. Nobody on this Earth knows Big Dave better than Jayson Fucking Jordan. No one . He understands where I'm at. He's been there. Recently. No Big Deal. Or so I thought....




Next thing I know... He's being all fucking weird. He knows that I'm not drinking... Yet, he continues to invite me to his friend's house a goddamn hour away to watch them get fucking shit faced.... But I can't be around that shit right now. Don't get me wrong... Those guys are all cool... Emeney is a Bad Mother Fucker and a super talented guy that I get along with really well... But, I'm doing really fucking good. And I know how that shit ends... I go down there, end up getting fucking TANKED...With no way home, and I gotta be back in Alton at ten the next fucking morning.. I'm all set with that shit right now... Nothing personal.. I just can't handle it. Sorry, man.. maybe next time...




So now, because he's pretty much fucking living there at this point, I hardly see the guy. Again.. disappointing... but nothing I can't deal with.. I'm dealing with my own shit, anyway. I'm a ridiculous fucking mess... I'm tired all the time.. I fucking snap at the drop of a hat... I drink three pots of coffee a day. I chain smoke Marlboro Special Blends like I'm looking for a Golden Fucking Ticket in the filters... A mess. And now...What's really helping... I don't ever see my best friend anymore. And if I do, he's with Steph, and I feel like a third wheel asshole .. What the fuck, guy? Why are you so angry? Dude.. I'm NOT angry...I'm just going fucking NUTS...You need a fucking DRINK ... You think so, Captain? OK.. So.. Peace out, man. We're going back up to Penacook...Cool.. Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to stop in long enough to fucking remind me how much of a mess I am and why. Good to know my best friend is being super fucking supportive in my time of need. Not for nothing... But how the fuck did I earn the back seat on this bus? By having his fucking back through every single bit of adversity he's gone through in the last two plus years? Even if it meant letting my own shit fall apart? This is my reward for being a good fucking friend? Fuck you, Wife and kids... Jayson's having a crisis that I must tend to.... I don't expect shit. He doesn't owe me anything. It's not like that... But the last thing I ever expected is that I would become the nerd in gym class... Then, before I know it, I can't even schedule a fucking meeting with the guy.... What the fuck is going on? Have I lost my Project MayHAM brother to booze and a fucking skirt? No fucking way, I thought. This too, shall pass... But no... It doesn't. I can see it in his eyes. I can hear it in his voice. He's giving off the distinct vibe that he thinks I'm making this whole thing into a me or her fucking deal.... Like I'm jealous or some shit....Maybe, to a certain extent I was... But certainly not to the extent he would have been had it been him in my situation. Just so we're fucking straight here, I'd like to clarify that, up until this point, if this whole thing was reversed, Big Cat would have been so far up my ass about Ahhh.. Fuck me, right?.... Don't worry about me.. Had he EVER pulled into McDonald's and seen Jill or whoever wearing my PM cut, he would have flipped the fuck OUT. Guaranteed. If I ever blew him the fuck off to bring Thaisae well... fucking anywhere... He would have immediately deleted my number from his phone....


What the fuck? Was I supposed to jump for fucking joy when I suddenly became PLAN FUCKING C? Especially in my current fucking condition?


But I let it go.




That is, until last week. We made plans to actually hang out... Then they were casually dismissed because (once again) something else was more fucking appealing.... So when Saturday rolls around, and my phone blows up with Big Cat talkin' about how he was on his way down.. And I was having a SHIT day to begin with.... I wasn't in the warmest of moods on the phone. I was a dick. Plain and simple. But I was still looking forward to seeing the Jamoke... But what does the fucking guy expect? I see what's going on... Emeney has his kids... The Girlfriend is working... I guess I could check in with Dave. Thanks, Asshole. Truly. Thank you. Anyway... I make a comment about his girlfriend being late for work (for me...) and he starts giving me shit.... I give it right back. Yadda yadda yadda... Whatever. Ten minutes later, I see him pull in, so I finish up what I'm doing and head for the door to smoke a butt and hang out with him for a minute. By the time I get to the door, he's screeching down the road. Already gone. I turn around and go back inside, confused. I ask his girlfriend where he went, and she mumbled something about him sending her a text about me being an "asshole"... Fine. We've been here before. He goes to the Den to cool off... I'm out in an hour... We can have it out and that's the end of it. Fifteen minutes later, I go outside and walk towards my car. It's raining, and in the mist, I see something on the trunk of my car.


Are You Fucking Kidding Me?


The colors...His Project MayHAM hat. His cut. Left on my car in the rain.


That's it, huh? No mas? 




Thick And Thin.... Brothers....No Matter What...? Bullshit.


Fine. It's DONE.




I realize I sound like an angry ex- wife or some shit... And I am comfortable with that. I am enlightened. I'm hurt. I'm not a guy that's ever had friends. Real friends. And this cuts deep... It is what it is.... True colors shine through, motherfucker... Whether or not that symbolic gesture truly meant the end of our friendship and the conclusion of your affiliation with Project MayHAM is irrelevant....Instead of having my back like I had yours a million times, you kicked me while I was down, you selfish, disloyal, self-important, inconsiderate, fucking asshole... . 

Yup... exactly. Don't read into that too much. I'm sensitive... Like a chick. Those days are far behind us...

Major announcement tomorrow. Stay tuned

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The Revolution Will Not Be Sanitized...

Marbles...

Sometimes… Kids eat marbles

Or.. At least they did.. When marbles were still around.  Some kids eat quarters. Unfortunately, when you’re a little kid.. You don’t really know how your digestive system works… so when you eat something… you think it just disappears. Nobody at 7 years old connects eating with pooping. If they did, I’m sure they wouldn’t eat quarters or marbles. The thought of those objects passing through your asshole would probably prevent children from eating such things. I ate a marble once… You would think I’d remember shitting it out. I don’t. I wonder if it’s still inside me…

Tell Us How You REALLY Feel....

I just had this idea...  I was flipping through some files, when I happened to stumble onto some absolute gold. I had the whole idea of  this blog, because of my old habit of recapping my many shitty days at work or at home on paper... I think I'm gonna start doing that again. Just stream of consciousness bullshit. Check this out... It's from June of 2008.... Apparently, I was writing it to Big Cat... Whether or not I actually sent it to him is a mystery... But I love it and wanna fucking share. No editing... As fucking Is. Check it out:


dude... today was the closest i've ever come to fucking killing myself at work.
what the fuck?
some things never change. i was there like an hour late the other day, helping amin and doin fucking interviews, plus i was there monday at 5 fucking am on my day off so ty could show me the fucking op report for when she goes on fucking vacation. ( last week too ) and i switched with mike so i could watch the fucking celtics game last night.. so i closed for him tonight. his schedule was 5 to close.
so, when i close, i usually come in at 3 but since i put in all these extra fucking hours this week, i figure it's ok to come in at 5...
NOT FUCKING LIKELY..
ty calls me at 3:20...
"hey, you um... comin' to work today or......?"
ugh.
so i get fucking dressed.. stop at wayside for butts... grab a dew for her royal fucking highness and walk in the office, gift in hand.


Bigtime fucking attitude. apparently drew ripped her fucking head off today, and i was just in time for the recap.
I tell her to not let it bother her.. that's how he is. she works her ass off and she should be proud of what she does regardless... fuck drew and the eternal hair across his ass. i thought everything i said was perfect.(which is rare) if someone had said that to me, i would have instantly felt better... but then.....
she sees 4 dollars hanging out of my shirt pocket and asks if it's for the safe.........
......
......
"no"
"oh... cuz the safe was short $25 last night"
SO? WASN'T IT MIKE's FUCKING SAFE? 
"well, did he count it before you left?"
since when is it my fucking problem? how many goddamn times have i had to pay hundreds of fucking dollars to the safe because I... that's right... ME didn't have the fucking time to count the safe before another manager left? "it is your responsibility to verify the safe because when the manager leaves it becomes your responsibility "... RIGHT?  isn't that the rule? apparently that's only the fucking rule for me, cuz i TOLD him to count it @ 7:15....
45 fucking minutes? not enough fucking time? according to ty now it's MY responsibility to make sure the manager taking over counts the safe before i leave....cuz.. you know it's ALWAYS fucking short on my shifts, right? i'm the only one there that even knows how to count.... i flipped the fuck out. mere SECONDS after i was calming HER the fuck down, i was fucking screaming at her. "this is fucking BULLSHIT!"
i take off.. go up front.. look at the line bar. apparently, gianni called out.. cool. one of my closers. on a saturday. all i have is corey and this brand new girl that makes hannah look like chadbourne. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?"
i guess he called out the NIGHT BEFORE and nobody bothered to cover it. awesome.
ty says " you're not the only one whose ever had someone call out on their shift"
"YEAH, WELL WHEN IT HAPPENS ON OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIFTS I AT LEAST TRY TO FUCKING COVER IT"
i could tell you it was bad, jay... but that was only the fucking beginning. ty's really, really ready to quit. and at this point i'm not so sure it would be a bad thing, because when she's being a complete fucking douche, it completely ruins my fucking day. i bitched about this jill chick closing and she tells me  it's because all the closers are quitting because all the managers suck. "even me?"..."everyone" "michelle can't stop crying... josh doesn't know what the fuck he's doing.. they're sick of it"
ok...um...
jeremy quit. he works, like 4 hours every other week.
krystal is leaving cuz she's MOVING.
Chad got another job making $11 an hour, 48 hrs a week.
arielle is being FORCED to quit cuz she's FUCKING THE ASSISTANT MANAGER...
and don't even get me started on that kid...
kinda funny.. now all the kids bitch cuz all shane does is yell at them. and then goes out to smoke a cigarette EVERY TEN FUCKING MINUTES...exept when tony's there. then he doesn't even come back inside until tony leaves. makin out with that fat cow whore in the parking lot.. it makes me wanna fucking PUKE.
he's always asking to go home early cuz he doesn't feel good.
he's already called out because he couldn't get out of bed.
( on arielle's senior skip day..hmmmmmm) then goes home early the next so he can go to bed and goes to his parent's party and gets drunk. 2 days ago he came into the office while i was doin the deposit fucking BAWLING HIS FUCKING EYES OUT cause "he feels "ALL WRONG" and he can't take it... his head is spinnin blaghblah blahblahblah....
i ask ty if shane can run the shift instead of me cuz me and the warden almost got a fucking divorce the other night and i don't really feel like bein the boss today and she says " shane's worked 8 days in a row" yeah? cuz he had to make up for the goddamn call out last week! i've worked more fucking days than him in the last two weeks.. WHAT ABOUT DAVE?
FUCK HIM... HE HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT STORE. NONE. who was covering that piece of shit, no questions asked,the other day. ME.


oh my god.. i didn't realize how much i just typed. i've been typing for an hour.
holy shit.
but i feel better now.


Love it... Peace....