I don't really know how to describe it other than I feel like I am spiraling out of control. Enemies look like friends and I am looking at friends as complete enemies.... I'm lost in a sea of Change, fear, paranoia and an over all sense of losing myself. But I mean I walk through life day to day and no one notices. No one sees that under my well planned and well placed "cool, calm and collected" look on my face and my "yeah whatever" attitude that under all of that I am an udder tornado of feelings. I am torn everyday by memories of the past (and the mistakes I've made) and complete fear of the future. People who used to (and should be) comforting me only load the stress upon my shoulders ten fold; of course to no fault of their own, it's all in my head. Mistrust, paranoia and fear clog my judgement and cloud my perception. I feel completely lost... So much has changed, so much has hurt, and so much has torn me to complete pieces that I haven't had a chance to catch up, and it's affecting me. I can't tell what is real and whats just conjured up by my over thinking. I feel like if this keeps up I'm going to break. I trust no one... The only thing that always kept me sane is only appearing two days a week, the rest of the time, I am left to my own devices. I just hope that all of this lets up soon... I don't know how much more I can take...
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